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145 Funny Christmas Quotes and Sayings for Those Hilarious Festive Moments


The most wonderful time of the year is here! Christmas is all about putting up decorations, being with family, eating too much and finding that perfect present. Its also a time of the year when it is important to have a sense of humor. We think that when it comes to Christmas quotes funny ones are the best. We have scoured the internet for the best funny Christmas quotes and sayings to put a smile on your face.

So whether you are setting up the tree, writing your Christmas cards or simply looking for a laugh you will find the perfect funny quotes here.

Short Funny Christmas Quotes for Instagram

”Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” — Gary Allan

Pine needles with a bow around them and a funny short Christmas quotes by Gary Allan

”It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”— Milton Berle

“Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.”— Charles M. Schulz

“It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.” — Craig Ferguson

“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” — Henny Youngman

”The main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” — Andy Borowitz

“Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.” – Fanny Wright

Christmas tree decorations with Christmas quotes for friends

“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.” – Catherine Tate

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. — Winston Spear

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” — Bart Simpson

“You can’t fool me—there ain’t no Sanity Clause!” — Chico Marx

“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” — Ellen Degeneres

“There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.” — Kristen Wiig

“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” — Bridger Winegar

“Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas.” — Melanie White

“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” — Kin Hubbard

“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” — Andy Borowitz

Wrapped presents and decorations with funny short Christmas quotes by Any Borowitz

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” — Elf

”One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.” — Grace Kriley

”Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy.’” — Robert Paul

“There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.” — Milton Berle

“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” — Robert Paul

“More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” — Linda Sunshine

“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” — Robert Godden

“Santa’s reindeer get around so fast because they have athletes feet.” — Kids Sure Are Funny

“Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” — Larry Wilde

If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Christmas Letter Board Quotes, Cute Christmas Wishes and Christmas Card Messages.

Funny Christmas Quotes

“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope

“There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.” – Robert Staughton Lynd

“I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.” – Frank Butler

“‘White Christmas’ is the ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ of Christmas songs.” ― Stewart Stafford

Close up of tree and ornaments with funny Christmas Instagram quotes by Stewart Stafford

”The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” — Johnny Carson

“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” – Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims

Closeup of tree and ornaments with funny Christmas quotes by Tom Sims

“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!” – Anne Bristow

”I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” — Maya Angelou

“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” – Andy Rooney

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” — Bob Phillips

“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” – Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Christmas tree decorations with cute Friends at Christmas quotes by Ferber

“I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter.” — Eloisa James

“Christmas is such a carefree, low-pressure time—that’s one of the things I love about it.” — Stephen King

“Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” — Jimmy Fallon

“‘Mistletoe,’ said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. ‘Good thinking,’ said Luna seriously. ‘It’s often infested with nargles.’” — J.K. Rowling

“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” — Anthony Jeselnik

“My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.” — Dave Barry

“Christmas is always a problem to the man who has to convince his kids that there is a Santa Claus, and his wife that there isn’t.” — Evan Esar

“Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”  Dave Barry

“Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” — Stephen Jones

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” — Shirley Temple

“It may be a cliche, but it’s true – the build-up to Christmas is so much more pleasurable than the actual day itself.” – Julie Burchill

“I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough. — Bridger Winegar

“I lit up like a Christmas tree.” – Hazel Grace

Blurry Tree in background with star on top with a funny short Christmas tree quotes for Instagram by Hazel Grace

“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” — Don Marquis

“Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” — Frank McKinney Hubbard

”From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.” – Katharine Whitehorn

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck

“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.” – Guy Endore Kaiser

”Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” — Stephen Fry

“Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth sweetening every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever.” – Richelle Goodrich

Close up of Christmas tree decoration with funny and cute Christmas quotes by Richelle E Goodrich

“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” – P.J. O’Rourke

“Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.” – Harlan Miller

“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.” — Guy Endore Kaiser

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” — Larry Wilde

”The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” — Julius Sharpe

Christmas decorations with funny Christmas quotes with friends

”There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?”— Conan O’Brien

“I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” — Earthman Adam

“Of course Santa is dead. You force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?” — Jimmy Kimmel

“The older I get, the fewer useless gifts I get. The fewer I get, the less I have to wrap to re-gift for next Christmas.” — Robert Rivers

“You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.” — Kate Summers

“I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him. — Theodore W. Higginsworth

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’” — Bernard Manning

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” — Garrison Keillor

“I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.” — Charlotte Christmas

“Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in “Gift certificate for a flu shot.” – Erma Bombeck

“Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren’t a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?” – Charlie Brown in A Charlie Brown Christmas Movie

“You have such a pretty face, you should be on a Christmas card!” – Elf

There has been only one Christmas–the rest are anniversaries. – W.J. Cameron

Funny Christmas Movie Quotes

“Charlie, stay away from those things. They’re reindeer, you don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got key lime disease.” – Scott Calvin in The Santa Clause

“We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.” — Elf

“Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, IN MY UNDERWEAR?” — Scott Calvin in The Santa Clause

“We’re your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.” — E.L.F.S. Leader in The Santa Clause

“How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?” – Santa Claus in Home Alone

“Son of a nutcracker!” – Buddy in Elf

Christmas decorations on a table with funny Christmas quotes from movies on Elf

“Just because I cannot see it, doesn’t mean I can’t believe it!” – Jack Skellington in The Nightmare Before Christmas

“Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant task.” – Harry in Love Actually

“If you see a sign that says ‘Peep Show’, that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas.” – Father Christmas in Elf

“Am I just eating because I’m bored?” — The Grinch

“I believe, I believe, it’s silly, but I believe.” – Susan Walker in Miracle on 34th

“I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

“Christmas can’t be bought from a store. Maybe Christmas means a little bit more.” – Dr. Suess

Christmas presents from above with a short Christmas quotes by Dr. Suess

“When Santa squeezes his fat white a*s down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse.” – Clark Griswold in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

“Cheer up, dude. It’s Christmas.” — The Grinch

“SANTA! Oh my God! Santa, here?! I know him! I know him!” – Buddy in Elf

Funny Christmas Eve Quotes

“It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” — Bill Murray

“May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas eve.” – Anon

“Even as an adult, I still find it hard to sleep on Christmas Eve.” – Carrie Latet

“Christmas Eve, a perfect night to express affection for your family, to forgive those who failed you, and to forget past mistakes.”

“All is calm, all is bright.” Whoever wrote Silent Night clearly hasn’t been to our house on Christmas Eve.” – Unknown

Ornaments with funny Christmas Eve quotes and saying

“What Eve is like the Christmas Eve?… In any land, A day so grand – So pure as Christmas Day.” – Louis Charles

“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: ‘Some assembly required.’” – John Leo

“T’was the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.” – Clement C. Moore

”Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” — Melanie White

”A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.” — Melanie White

“It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even if you’re home.” — Carol Nelson

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” — Victor Borge

Ornaments with funny Christmas quotes about family by Victor Borge

“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” – Leslie ‘Les’ Dawson, Jr.

“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.” – Donald E. Westlake

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” — Steven Wright

“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” — Melanie White

Snowy trees and piles of snow

“The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.” – Olivia Haigh Williams

“Everyone knows the most important part of the Christmas celebration is spending time with family you don’t get to see very often. Then you have an excuse to neglect them for the rest of the year.” – Unknown

“Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.” – Greg Fitzsimmons

“Christmas trees don’t grow on trees; they need rainbows, lumberjacks, and Leprechauns on unicorns playing jock jams on glockenspiels.” – Ryan Ross

“Christmas tree stands are the work of the devil and they want you dead.” – Bill Bryson

Decorated tree with a funny Christmas tree quotes by Bill Bryson

“A Christmas tree, the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.” – Jay Leno

“There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.” – Dan Florence

“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” – Maya Angelou

“I was only kicking down the Christmas tree to get the star on top.” – Ray Bradbury

Close up of tree and decorations with funny Christmas tree quotes for Instagram by Ray Bradbury

“Lots of people were activating phones under the Christmas tree.” – Peter Ritcher

“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” – Richard Lamm

“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?’” – Jim Gaffigan

“Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.” – Sean Hughes

“The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it.” — Bill Vaughan

Close up of ornaments with a funny quotes on Christmas on top

“Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.” – Erma Bombeck

“Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.” – Lenore Hershey

Couple with funny Christmas couple Instagram quotes

“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” – Tom Armstrong

“I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I stole it from.’” — David Letterman

”Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” — Samantha Bee

”We celebrate the birth of one who told us to give everything to the poor by giving each other motorized tie racks.” — Bill McKibben

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno

People with short Christmas party quotes for Instagram by Tusser

“Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…. Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ” ― Bill Watterson

“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” — P.J. O’Rourk

“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” — Louis C.K.

“Santa Clause wears a red suit. He must be a communist. And long hair. He must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe he’s smoking?” — Arlo Guthrie

Funny Christmas Sayings

  • We love these funny Christmas sayings.
  • “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”
  • ”Christmas is a race to see which gives out first—your money or your feet.”
  • ”A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”
  • “People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?”
  • “Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?”
Red ornament on tree with funny Christmas sayings on top
  • “Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.”
  • “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.”
  • “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”
  • “I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
  • “Once you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.”
  • “You know what I got for Christmas? Fat.”
  • “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.”
  • “Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.”
  • “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.”
  • “If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.”
  • “Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.”
  • “Dear Santa, If you promise to be nice and give me everything on my list, I promise to give you the antidote to those poison cookies you just ate. Thank you.”
  • “I would say all I want for Christmas is YOU, But I really would love a new credit card as well!”

Well, that’s it for Funny Christmas Quotes. We hope you found the perfect funny quotes.

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Red wrapped present with words funny Christmas quotes and wishes on top
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About the Author

Laynni Locke

I am Laynni Locke, a Canadian writer, reader and traveller with a passion for sharing life’s moments on social media. Keeping friends and family in the loop of our lives though photos and videos has become an essential activity for most.

And it doesn’t matter if you are travelling, celebrating a special occasion or just appreciating day-to-day life, when you take that perfect photo you are going to need the perfect caption or quote before you share it. Which is why we started Routinely Shares, providing comprehensive lists of quotes and captions to cover every occasion, adventure or loved one.

With extensive experience as a travel writer, social media specialist and grant writer, I have made it my mission to curate the best and easiest to use lists for your next post.

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