Retirement is a big milestone in a person’s life so you want to give them the right sendoff, which is why we have gathered all the best funny retirement wishes for your next post. And if you’re looking for short funny retirement quotes, we also have you covered.
Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.
Funny Retirement Wishes
I hope you like Saturdays, because every day just became Saturday!
Keep calm and enjoy retirement!
Off to retirement? Say Hi to your two new best friends, bed and couch!
After retirement, a 30 minute walk is the best thing to do for your ailments!
Hey, now you are retired you can’t afford to do all the things you wanted too, anyway! Happy Retirement!
No more faking sick days for you!
Congrats on retiring. Have fun watching your life’s savings dwindle!
Fragile bones and a weak bladder. You still looking forward to your retirement? Congratulations!
When you retire, it’s going to be tough to tell the difference!
Retirement! Where every day is Saturday!
I’m really going to miss my scapegoat…I mean my friend, at work. I didn’t actually blame you for all of my mistakes. Really, I didn’t. You believe me right? Anyway bud, good luck. Thanks for the memories.
Enjoy your retirement! Don’t spend all your money just in case you don’t die!
Retirement! it’s like sleeping while you are awake. Well done!
Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
All those years of working and now you can get back to acting like a child again!
Your impact won’t be forgotten.
Retired! Say Hi to your pension and goodbye to the tension!
Will you retire into your final form as Boss Baby – rocking a suit while napping on the recliner?
I am thankful retirement is not optional otherwise I would be stuck working with you, forever! Happy Retirement!
Are you going to be a secret agent? Licenced to chill?
No better feeling than going to bed with no alarm set for tomorrow!
After retirement the body grows older, the heart grows fonder and the mind becomes younger. All the best at trying to handle an old body with a young mind and fond heart!
Retirement is the company way of saying they have no more use for an old and lazy bum like you. Goodbye!
It doesn’t matter if you are grumpy when you retire, people just expect it anyway.
Retirement: No job, no stress, no pay!
You worked this hard for decades just to become a professional couch potato? Goals!
Hey, now you are retired, enjoy the next project: Doing nothing all day!
We are really going to miss the humor and laughs you brought into the office. Now that you are leaving, I have been practicing my jokes. I’m ready to step in as the office comedian. Wish me luck on my new adventure.
Congratulations on the promotion to full-time napping consultant!
How fitting that retirement gifts include clocks and watches – reminders that your time is finally, blessedly up.
I bet you never thought how important medical insurance was until you retired!
No more boss shouting at you, just your wife shouting at you! Enjoy retirement!
The best part about being retired is never having to request time off.
Happy retirement! Your new career of not having a career suits you perfectly.
Lucky you – no more forcing laughter at the boss’s awful jokes!
Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. — Jonathan Clements
No more hitting snooze – you just hit the ultimate snooze button: retirement!
Retirement is said to be the slow and painful lead up to the sunset years of your life. Have fun old timer.
Retirement: Half the money but now you get twice the husband!
Perfect timing on retirement, we were just about to stage a full-blown mutiny against your dictatorship.
You’ve been rehearsing for this retirement gig for years by doing minimal work. The transition should be seamless for a professional slacker like yourself.
Leaving so soon? We were just getting used to your weirdness. Best of luck—you’ll need it without us.
Wishing you relaxing sunrises, restful mornings, and mid-afternoon naps in your retirement!
Sometimes the best part of your job is retirement.
Retirement lets you stop pretending to be a responsible adult and revert to joyful childhood again. Congrats on the regression!
You’re finally retired, so you can finally be the ‘morning person’ you always pretended to be on Zoom… or not. Your call.
Wishing you good luck on your new journey. I sure wish I could start doing nothing daily. Warm wishes.
Finally, a valid excuse to drain those life savings!
Enjoy retirement and knowing you are over the hill when your back goes out more frequently than you do!
Now you are retired, can you still remember the things you wanted to do?
The days of 9-5 are past! happy days are here at last!
You don’t have to remember what you got up for anymore! Have fun in retirement!
May your big retirement decision every day be choosing when to take a nice long nap.
Now your retired, will your bedtime be after you have fallen asleep on the couch for three hours? Enjoy!
Retirement is the sweet dessert after the long daily grind. Stay active, watch your sugar intake, and savor it!
The first day you do not change your underwear, consider yourself officially retired!
Finally, you can browse the internet shamelessly during “work” hours!
Retirement will feel like a never-ending Friday night…until aging inevitably makes you miserable like every other retiree. But hey, embrace it!
The joy of retirement is having nothing to do all day!
Fore-get about work, it’s time for a work on your golf game. Happy retirement!
Drop all those appointments and meetings from your calendar. Spontaneous is your new lifestyle.
We’re still stunned they didn’t let you go years ago.
Stop acting like a grown-up! Revert to that inner 12-year-old, full-time.
Congrats on making it to retirement! I’m jealous of all your free time.
Is mandatory retirement the same as compulsive poverty?
Your retirement will be like a vacation, except you are now too old to do the fun stuff! Congrats!
Most people spend their whole lives planning their retirement but when they actually retire, they don’t know what to do. Don’t let this happen to you.
Sad you can’t even be the boss of your own life now – I’m sure your wife has dreamed of this retirement dictatorship for years.
Retirement is like being on the edge of a cliff. Just know your next step is a downward plunge! Good luck!
Now you are retired you will actually have time to read about problems with retirement!
Working people have a lot of bad habits., but the worst of these is work. Congrats on your retirement!
Mondays and Saturdays finally feel the same in the best way. No more crisp uniforms or dread over the upcoming workweek!
Super jealous you are retiring. Now you are definitely going to beat me at golf.
Retirement is great if you have much to live for and much to live on.
Hey with all your college degrees, you now get to be a Master of doing nothing! Well done!
Congrats on escaping the working world, you lazy bum! Time to be your authentic, unproductive self again.
Congrats on making it to the finish line! Time to put your feet up and relax.
The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.
Get ready for 7-day weekends, for forever!
Sorry, I assumed you were already retired since we never actually saw you working!
Happy retirement to someone who gave their job years of hard work and dedication before leaving it behind.
Now you are retired, how are the new bosses, your grand kids?
Since you are leaving, is your parking space up for grabs? I’m just curious. It is so much closer to the entrance. Can you talk to our manager about transferring that space to me? Do me a solid? That would be great. Thanks! I wish you luck! Don’t forget to bring up the parking space…
Training someone new is going to be so time-consuming. Really wish you would have considered your retirement plan. Way to leave us in a lurch.
A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.
You are going to be the coworker I miss the most when emailing you from a few feet away!
He who laughs last at the boss’s jokes probably isn’t far from retirement.
Retirement, maybe time for your wife to get a stomach ulcer with you around all the time?
Congrats on making it to retirement! The hard work was worth it.
Retirement, when time is no longer money.
Take a vow of permanent casual dress. Pajamas count as formalwear in retirement.
Wishing you days filled with only fun things on your schedule now that work can’t get in the way.
Practice the art of loitering. Nowhere to be is your new state of being.
Hope all your retirement dreams of doing absolutely nothing become a relaxing reality.
Get in hoarding shape. You’ll need supplies for all those upcoming home projects.
Aren’t you going to be bored? Are you going to spend a lot of time in Las Vegas?
You’re retied! We know your young at heart and slightly older in other places!
Now you are retired, you can be tired, yesterday, today and tomorrow.
Congrats on earning the rights to be as boring as you want without judgement in retirement!
You’re retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!
Doing the things you wanted to do is not what retirement is for. It is remembering what you had to do. Good luck, pensioner!
We all aspire to retire, and then what?
Clear your browser history regularly. You’ll have much more personal time online now.
Embrace speaking to inanimate objects. They’re your new coworkers in retirement.
Retirement is like a firmware update for your life. Everything runs smoother.
You can now not worry about doing anything wrong nor getting caught at it!
You give us all hope that we too can make it to the retirement finish line.
Say goodbye to tensions, hello to that pension!
Enjoy and be proud of being gainfully unemployed Happy Retirement!
Worked all me life, paid me due’s, now I will do, whatever I choose!
You worked so hard, now it’s time to perfect your napping! Happy retirement!
Retirement, it is like a party with no drinking, no hook-up’s and you fall asleep. In other words, boring! Congratulations!
Now you are retired you can burn all your boxes. Saves money and gets rid of your past, too!
You know, being retired is the only time in life you do not really mind not having a holiday!
Retirement is like one big sick day without the sick pay.
You have finally “Got a Life!”
We know you retired for health reasons. You were sick of them, they were sick of you!
What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays? Retired!
I would say call me and we will grab lunch, but I might be too jealous for that.
Remember to tire yourself out with gardening grand kids and chores!
Now your wife realizes you never gave your secretary enough sympathy during the daytime either!
Having worked all of your life, retirement should be easy!
Welcome to your first never-ending Saturday!
What do you call a person who is always happy each and every Monday? Retired!
The older you get the less peer pressure you will have. Well Done!
No more tension, just pension!
Enjoy every retirement day as if it was your last day; one day you will be right about it.
Drinking coffee on your own time is the one downside of retirement! Enjoy!
Now you are retired, you realize you will never have another day off, right?
Perfect the art of channel surfing. Those 500 cable channels won’t watch themselves!
Ditch the alarm clock! Retirement is the only time when ‘early to bed’ and ‘early to rise’ make no sense at all.
Ready for weeks full of nothing but Saturdays? Ready for a Monday to become ‘Mon-Yay? Congrats.
Retirement: It takes all the meaning out of weekends!
The way some people work you wonder if they will achieve anything when they retire!
Happy retirement! But don’t bother trying any sort of encore career – trust me, no one actually missed having you around.
Retirement: when you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.
When your colleagues give you a watch you know time is no longer of importance. Happy retirement!
You’ll be golfing while we’re still grinding. But no hard feelings – we don’t actually hate you retirees.
My first thought when I heard you were leaving was, ‘Wow, I am going to get so much more work done.’ Good luck on your next adventure.
My condolences on your biggest loss – no one will ever have to call you “boss” again.
Every day of your retired life should be like a Friday. Shame you will feel like it is Monday, every day. Good luck!
Get that fishing pole ready. I don’t know what else you are going to do with all your newfound time!
Goodbye office lingo! Not having to use dumb corporate jargon is the best retirement perk.
Catch up on all the naps you missed while working. Sleeping is your new full-time job.
Why do retirees smile all the time? Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
The company retiring you says they have found more energetic, youthful and talented staff than you! Happy Retirement!
I don’t have to do it, I don’t want to do it and you can’t make me do it I’m retired!
The one still fake-laughing at the boss’s jokes must be nearest to retirement.
What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.
Enjoy the challenge of spending time without spending money!
I’m retired! You’re not! Have fun at work tomorrow!
You are retiring from work ,not from life. Enjoy, my friend!
Retirement! Time to start giving advice to others you never followed!
For someone as idle as you, retirement will not matter. You will just be lazy on an official basis!
You have always been semi-competent. I will miss that about you.
Now you can take two 6-month holidays per year!
Is your happy retirement now a full time job for your wife?
Retirement, the bubble that bursts when you thought you were at the zenith of your career. Good luck, buddy!
Retired! No Alarm Clock! No problem!
I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
What’s this – you’ve robbed weekends of their magic?!
Retirement is life’s way of saying you are too weak and feeble to work any longer! Congratulations!
You know before you retired, you should have taken a week off and watched daytime TV every day!
Congratulations on deciding life is more important than work. What took you so long?
You say retirement is an adventure? IS climbing out of bed, climbing atop couches and diving into take out food fun?
You think this party celebrates your career, but really it’s congratulating us on finally being free from your management!
Time to swap those work apps for napping apps!
May your retirement be everything you dreamed – starting with that long nap this afternoon!
Behind every retired man is a wife just wishing he would go back to work!
C’mon! We all know retirement is the companies way of saying you are getting too old to work!
Must be tough leaving us knowing you’ll have to lift a finger for yourself for once in retirement.
Retirement! The money is not as good but the hours are!
Time to maximize that senior discount!
Now you are retired you have nothing to do and no way to tell if you have done it!
Now I am retired I am not going to stop laughing because I am old, because you grow old when you do stop laughing!
The job you waited for for 50 years! Retirement!
When you retire, you switch bosses – from the one who hired you to the one who married you.
Now you have reached retirement, enjoy this new turning point as you realize how messed up your priorities were!
Thanks for the job opening – never been so grateful for your retirement!
You found your true calling, Retirement!
You’re retired, not expired!
How to make Monday the best day? Retire!
Never act your age in retirement and have lots of fun!
Retirement: It’s not the beginning of a life of leisure, it’s the start of being broke!
It’s time to spend away your life savings! Enjoy retirement.
Now you’re retired, you know everything and have plenty of time to tell everyone about it!
Happy Retirement. Go play golf and make your wife think you are still having fun!
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. — Mark Twain
On the bright side of being retired, kidnappers are less interested in you. Enjoy retirement!
Remember, with retirement, you can wake up in the morning with zero to do and go to bed having done a mere half of it!
Any chance you can take us along into retirement bliss?
Leaving? We were just about to nominate you for ‘Employee of the Year.’ Oh well, we’ll just have to settle for ‘Most Likely to Be Missed.’
Don’t think of me as lazy, I’m horizontally active. Moving from bed to couch to recliner is a full day’s cardio workout.
Where will we be without our “fearless” leader? Oh right, relaxed and genuinely happy for once!
Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.
How do you know you’re old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, Did I wake you?
Fine…..Go. We never liked you anyway. That’s not true. I’m lashing out. Don’t go!
Adulting too hard? Just retire already!
Soon Mondays will be blissful for you – when you’re retired!
Good luck with your new, full-time boss – your wife!
Can you believe every day is now Sunday for you? Milk those lazy days, my perpetually off-work friend!
Forget the 5-day workweek. You’re on a 7-day weekend schedule now!
Some people come into your life and just really make their mark. They inspire you to be your best and to constantly seek to improve. They bring out the best in you and help you reach your true potential. That wasn’t you, but maybe it will be your replacement. Can’t wait to see who we hire. Happy retirement.
Congrats on being so exhausted, you had to retire!
When did being unemployed become something to brag about?
Happy beginning to the end, I mean rest, of your life!
Why are there so many old people in church? They’re cramming for the final.
Now you are retired, you can get up at 6 am and drive around slowly delaying people everywhere!
Make friends with the mailman. They’re your new connection to society.
Woo-hoo – you made it to permanent vacation mode!
When people ask you what you are doing tomorrow, do you even care what day of the week it is? Happy Retirement!
Retired! I now smile all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying!
Enough said, go live that regimented dream retirement life. But bring us along sometime?
Congrats on starting your next chapter. I’m so interested to see what the future holds for you. I am also interested to see if my snacks stop going missing from the break room refrigerator. I’m just saying it would be quite a coincidence.
On the retirement clock it’s always five O’clock
Retirement: It’s not the end of your life, it’s the end of your bank account.
Hey now you are retired, you don’t have to wear pants!
Time to stop working for that living and working at living!
If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Retirement Quotes, Farewell Messages for Coworkers, Short Funny Work Quotes and Moving On Quotes.
Short Funny Retirement Quotes
“Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way.” – Betty White
“I’m not just retiring from the company, I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.” – Hartman Jule
“You have to put off being young until you can retire.” – Unknown
“I’m tired of retirement jokes. I retired my hearing aid, my teeth, and the mortgage. The only thing left is my breath.” – Phyllis Diller
“Some of the best memories are made in flip flops.” – Kellie Elmore
“There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.” – Rober Half
“When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money.” ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” – Bob Hope
“Retirement: that’s when you return from work one day and say ‘hi honey, I’m home – forever’.” – Gene Perret
“In your retirement years never drink coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake in the afternoon.” -Unknown
“What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays? Retired!” – Unknown
“Retirement is when you finally stop doing whatever the boss tells you to do and start doing what your heart tells you to do.” – Unknown
“The trouble with retirement is you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons
So that is it for our list of Funny Retirement Wishes and Quotes. We hope you found the perfect one!
About the Author
Laynni Locke
I am Laynni Locke, a Canadian writer, reader and traveller with a passion for sharing life’s moments on social media. Keeping friends and family in the loop of our lives though photos and videos has become an essential activity for most.
And it doesn’t matter if you are travelling, celebrating a special occasion or just appreciating day-to-day life, when you take that perfect photo you are going to need the perfect caption or quote before you share it. Which is why we started Routinely Shares, providing comprehensive lists of quotes and captions to cover every occasion, adventure or loved one.
With extensive experience as a travel writer, social media specialist and grant writer, I have made it my mission to curate the best and easiest to use lists for your next post.