The holidays are all about having a great time with friends and family and because so many people have said hilarious things about Christmas, we decided to gather all the best short funny Christmas quotes for you to share. And if you’re looking for short funny Christmas sayings, we also have you covered.
Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.
Short Funny Christmas Quotes and Sayings
Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” — Bart Simpson
The most beautiful part about Christmas is that it’s the last day of all the stress.
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” — Henny Youngman
I don’t usually write Christmas cards, but when I do, I usually write the same thing in all of them.
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” — Andy Borowitz
”From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.” – Katharine Whitehorn
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller
You know what I got for Christmas? Fat.
May your holiday season be so joyful, even your in-laws will seem like fun!
“Lots of people were activating phones under the Christmas tree.” – Peter Ritcher
“Even as an adult, I still find it hard to sleep on Christmas Eve.” – Carrie Latet
Here’s to a Christmas so merry that even your cat can’t knock the tree over!
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’” — Bernard Manning
“Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.” – Fanny Wright
Hope your Christmas is as magical as you made our holidays growing up (minus the stress!)
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first—your money or your feet.
“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” — Ellen Degeneres
Why are Dasher and Dancer always taking coffee breaks? Because they are Santa’s star-bucks!
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.”— Charles M. Schulz
A Christmas Conspiracy: Olive, the other reindeer…
Worrying about what to do this Christmas season. Just sit down and enjoy the Merry part!
Once you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.
“‘White Christmas’ is the ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ of Christmas songs.” ― Stewart Stafford
I hope Christmas finds you in good spirits! And by spirits, I do mean alcohol.
“Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.” – Greg Fitzsimmons
“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” — Bob Phillips
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck
“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even if you’re home.” — Carol Nelson
I would say all I want for Christmas is YOU but, I could really do with some money
“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime.” — P.J. O’Rourk
“I lit up like a Christmas tree.” – Hazel Grace
“The older I get, the fewer useless gifts I get. The fewer I get, the less I have to wrap to re-gift for next Christmas.” — Robert Rivers
“You can’t fool me—there ain’t no Sanity Clause!” — Chico Marx
“Christmas is like candy” – Richelle Goodrich
“Christmas is always a problem to the man who has to convince his kids that there is a Santa Claus, and his wife that there isn’t.” — Evan Esar
“Santa’s reindeer get around so fast because they have athletes feet.” — Kids Sure Are Funny
“I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.” — Charlotte Christmas
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm.” — Garrison Keillor
”Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” — Gary Allan
“A Christmas tree, the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.” – Jay Leno
“Son of a nutcracker!” – Buddy in Elf
I’m only a morning person on December 25th.
“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” – Andy Rooney
“I believe, I believe, it’s silly, but I believe.” – Susan Walker in Miracle on 34th
A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.
“Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Christmas tree stands are the work of the devil and they want you dead.” – Bill Bryson
“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” — Robert Paul
Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.
Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.
“Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas.” — Melanie White
“There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.” — Kristen Wiig
“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.” – Catherine Tate
Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” — Victor Borge
“SANTA! Oh my God! Santa, here?! I know him! I know him!” – Buddy in Elf
“The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it.” — Bill Vaughan
“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” — Robert Godden
“We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.” — Elf
“Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” — Larry Wilde
“Christmas can’t be bought from a store. Maybe Christmas means a little bit more.” – Dr. Suess
I’ve finally found the true meaning of Xmas, it’s for those people who can’t spell Christmas!
“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” — Don Marquis
If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.
May your Christmas be filled with more laughter than a reindeer at a snowball fight!
“You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.” — Kate Summers
“Christmas is such a carefree, low-pressure time—that’s one of the things I love about it.” — Stephen King
”One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.” — Grace Kriley
May your gifts be many, and your returns and exchanges be few
“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. — Winston Spear
“I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter.” — Eloisa James
”It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”— Milton Berle
“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” — Melanie White
“All is calm, all is bright.” Whoever wrote Silent Night clearly hasn’t been to our house on Christmas Eve.”
“It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.” — Craig Ferguson
You know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I. Got. Fat!
“I was only kicking down the Christmas tree to get the star on top.” – Ray Bradbury
”The main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin
It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.
May your holidays be as lovely as they look on Instagram
“There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.” — Milton Berle
”The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” — Julius Sharpe
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson
“Am I just eating because I’m bored?” — The Grinch
“We’re your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.” — E.L.F.S. Leader in The Santa Clause
“I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
”Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” — Stephen Fry
“You have such a pretty face, you should be on a Christmas card!” – Elf
”A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.” — Melanie White
”Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy.’” — Robert Paul
“There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.” – Dan Florence
Merry Christmas! May your holiday be filled with awkward family photos and too much food!
Do you know why this Christmas card is so wonderful? Because it isn’t an email and it isn’t a text.
Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me … What is this, and did you keep the receipt?
“Cheer up, dude. It’s Christmas.” — The Grinch
“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope
“It may be a cliche, but it’s true – the build-up to Christmas is so much more pleasurable than the actual day itself.” – Julie Burchill
Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?
“Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” — Frank McKinney Hubbard
“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” — Bridger Winegar
“Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant task.” – Harry in Love Actually
It’s time for our ugly sweaters. It’s Christmas time!
“More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” — Linda Sunshine
Why is it so difficult to think of what to write in a Christmas card?
Christmas comes but once a year, but when it comes, it better bring good beer.
I hope your smiles will be as big as your credit card bill this Christmas!
There has been only one Christmas–the rest are anniversaries. – W.J. Cameron
Red ornament on tree with funny Christmas sayings on top
“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” — Kin Hubbard
“Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” — Stephen Jones
“May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas eve.” – Anon
May your Christmas be like Santa – fat, cheerful and abundant!
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” — Larry Wilde
“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” — Elf
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” — Andy Borowitz
May your Christmas be as fat and jolly as Santa after eating too many cookies!
“I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.” – Frank Butler
I would say all I want for Christmas is YOU, But I really would love a new credit card as well!
So that is it for our list of Short Funny Christmas Quotes and Sayings. We hope you found the perfect one for you!
If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Short Winter Letter Board Quotes, Merry Christmas Greetings for Cards and December Letter Board Quotes.
About the Author
Laynni Locke
I am Laynni Locke, a Canadian writer, reader and traveller with a passion for sharing life’s moments on social media. Keeping friends and family in the loop of our lives though photos and videos has become an essential activity for most.
And it doesn’t matter if you are travelling, celebrating a special occasion or just appreciating day-to-day life, when you take that perfect photo you are going to need the perfect caption or quote before you share it. Which is why we started Routinely Shares, providing comprehensive lists of quotes and captions to cover every occasion, adventure or loved one.
With extensive experience as a travel writer, social media specialist and grant writer, I have made it my mission to curate the best and easiest to use lists for your next post.