Hilariously Funny Wedding Quotes and Messages for Cards

Just because it’s a big, important occasion doesn’t mean you can’t still have a little fun with  it. Which is why we have put together a list of all the best funny wedding quotes to let them know how you feel. And if you’re looking for short funny wedding messages for cards, we also have you covered.

Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.

Funny Wedding Quotes

“Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” – Megan Mullally

“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It’s not an adventure. You do more before five than most folks do all day.” – Sinbad

“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.” – Irwin Corey

“Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.” – Unknown

“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on to something.” – Fran Lebowitz

“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.” – Helen Rowland

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin

“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” – Eddie Cantor

“Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” – Evelyn Hendrickson

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.” – Unknown

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

“The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly who you are: good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.” – Juno

“Marriage is like a fine wine – it’s better when you let it breathe for a while.” – Unknown

”A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” – Michel de Montaigne

“Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.” – Samuel Johnson

“Marriage is grand – and divorce? Well, it’s around twenty grand.” – Jay Leno

“All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.” – Amy Schumer

“The two most important words in marriage for me are ‘yes, dear.’” – Eric Close

“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” – Henry Youngman

“Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.” — Carrie

“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” – Oscar Wilde

“Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it.” – Phyllis Schlafly

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Ruth Bell Graham

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.” – Richard Pryor

“Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.” – Alan King

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

“Marriage should be a duet – when one sings, the other claps.” – Joe Murray

“Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” – Chip Gaines

“My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate.” – Jim Gaffigan

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash

“Marriage: A word which should be pronounced ‘mirage’.” – Herbert Spencer

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” – Jean Illsely Clarke

“Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb.” – Julieanne O’Connor

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” – Lily Tomlin

“By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

“Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.” – Unknown

“The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” – Groucho Marx

“Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” – Mae West

“We both said, ‘I do!’ and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.” – So I Married an Axe Murderer

“Marriage is like a fine wine, if tended to properly, it only gets better with age. However, if neglected, it turns to vinegar.” – Unknown

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx

“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was too late.” – Max Kauffmann

“Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.” – St. Jerome

“Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.” – Minnie Pearl

“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” – Joseph Barth

“We got married: society’s solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.” – George Cockcroft

“I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.” – Forrest Gump

“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” – Winston Churchill

“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.” – Rory Elder

“Marriage is all about fun, love, and agreeing on whose turn it is to do the dishes.” – Melanie White

“There are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving. But who wants it easier?” – Mary Oliver

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss

“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” – Wendy Liebman

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” – Natasha Leggero

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

“My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” – Henny Youngman

“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” – Mae West

“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” – Chris Rock

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” – Rita Rudner

“Marriage is like a jigsaw puzzle – all the pieces fit, but it takes a little time to figure out how to make them work together.” – Unknown

“I’m married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me.” – Fiona Shaw

“Marriage is grand. Divorce, 200 grand.” – Anonymous

“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”- Stephanie Ortiz

“Life after marriage is like a walk in a park. The only problem is that the park is on fire.”

“Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” – Gilbert K. Chesterton

“Marriage is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there’s a bump or throw your hands up and enjoy the ride.” – Unknown

“In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.” – Woody Allen

“Michelle’s like Beyoncé in that song, ‘Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me.” – Barack Obama

“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” – Lee Judge

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you… I could walk through my garden forever.” – Alfred Tennyson

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go and live with a car battery.” – Emma Bombeck

“Marriage is like a fine wine, if tended to properly, it only gets better with age, even if it makes you talk nonsense from time to time.” – Unknown

“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.” – Benjamin Franklin

“The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.” – Joyce Brothers

“Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.” – Unknown

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” – Billy Connolly

“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” – Red Skelton

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” – Albert Einstein

“Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times – always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin

“Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Unknown

“Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmott

“An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” – Booth Tarkington

“For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have their own bathroom. The end.” – Catherine Zeta-Jones

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke

“Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Wedding Card Messages, Wedding Wishes for Friends, Wedding Cake Captions and Bridal Shower Messages.

Funny Wedding Messages

Congratulations on your nuptials! I hope your union is as exquisite and radiant as your wedding band.

Congratulations on finding someone who can tolerate your weirdness. Just kidding—wishing you both a lifetime of happiness and acceptance.

We toast to a future filled with awkward family get-togethers and coordinated Netflix marathons!

Best wishes! I hope getting married won’t be as stressful as picking out your wedding gown.

I’m wishing you a lifetime of joy, love, and endless  shopping excursions.

I appreciate you reminding me of the financial savings I will experience by forgoing a wedding.

Congratulations! In a married relationship, the husband is the one who is always correct.

Although I was aware of your intense love for one another, I didn’t believe it would be strong enough to lead to marriage. Have an amazing future.

I’m so happy for you, sib! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go practice my best man/maid of honor speech… in the mirror.

May your marriage be filled with as much love and laughter as our family gatherings… and maybe a little less chaos. Congratulations!

Cheers to romance, good humor, and discovering how to divide the TV remote.

Like any other job, being married helps if you get along with your boss.

Congratulations on discovering a lifelong partner who will cherish you through wrinkles and old dad jokes!

You two are now formally one unit, sharing a bathroom, a bed, and a remote control! Thank you for joining together as life partners!

Congratulations! When you lose your keys, you’ll have someone to blame!

We’re so proud of the amazing people you’ve become, both individually and as a couple. May your marriage be a testament to your love and commitment.

I hope you receive so many gifts for the wedding that you forget none of them are from me.

Remember, kids, the secret to a happy marriage is communication… and a good sense of humor. Wishing you both a lifetime of laughter and love.

Every night of the week is a sleepover with your best friend when you’re married. Have fun!

We’re so excited to welcome a new member to our family! May your marriage be filled with love, laughter, and lots of home-cooked meals.

Happy ever after, or at least after the honeymoon, with love and laughter!

To your wedding, cheers! I hope you have a long life full of takeout, love, and laughter.

In a marriage, you make a pledge to always check in before eating the last cookie. Congratulations!

I hope you find someone who can put up with your taste in music, boundless love, and laughter.

We applaud the man for willingly giving up his TV remote control so that someone else can use it. I hope your favorite shows air indefinitely!

May your marriage be filled with as much love and support as we’ve always shared as siblings. Congratulations on your wedding!

Best wishes! May your love last a lifetime and be just as enjoyable as your bachelorette party and wedding pictures.

I’m wishing you a lifetime of romance, joy, and disagreement-free closet space.

Congratulations on getting hitched! Now you can finally move out of our parents’ basement. Just kidding—wishing you both a lifetime of happiness.

Why get married when it’s faster and easier to jump in front of a train? I’m kidding! I hope you’re smiling at your wedding!

We always knew you’d find someone special, but we never expected them to be this amazing. Congratulations on your wedding!

This is the day you give up late-night video games in favor of late-night throw pillow conversations. Greetings from the next stage of adulthood: marriage!

Getting married requires dedication. Obviously, insanity also does. Best wishes!

We love you both very much, and we’re so excited to see what the future holds for you as a married couple. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment.

We’ve loved watching you grow up, and now we’re excited to watch you grow old together. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness and companionship.

For a couple who shares a love of laughter, funny wedding wishes can be an ideal way to celebrate their union. Whether they’re your family members or close friends, adding a hilarious twist to your well wishes is an unforgettable way to show your support

Cheers to discovering a significant other who consistently grants you the final say and the last piece of cake.

Remember, marriage is like a box of chocolates… you never know what you’re gonna get. But I’m pretty sure you two got the best ones. Congratulations!

Best wishes! You now have a lifelong companion for all of your upcoming do-it-yourself mishaps.

I’m wishing you a lifetime of joy and love. and no problems with Wi-Fi when streaming Netflix.

I’m so happy to welcome a new member to our crazy family. Just kidding—wishing you both a lifetime of love and belonging.

May your marriage be filled with as much love and laughter as you’ve brought into our lives. Congratulations on your wedding day!

We’re so proud of the beautiful couple you’ve become. May your marriage be filled with joy, laughter, and a lifetime of happy memories.

At last, you’ve connected with someone who gets your strange jokes. Keep them close at all times!

Greetings from the club! Although we have concerns, the business is excellent.

Happy to hear that someone finds your snoring endearing!

Are you sure you want to go from being single to married, from being free to occupied, and from having no worries to having none at all?

Congratulations on your union! The real adventure is about to begin: finding the TV remote!

You’ve made it quite clear that you adore this girl/guy, to the man who couldn’t afford drinks when he was out with the guys but is now spending a ton of money on his extravagant wedding! Many congratulations.

Best wishes on your nuptials! I hope your love tale is just as glitzy as your Pinterest boards!

Matrimony is akin to a stroll through Jurassic Park.

Cheers to romance, joy, and never having to prepare food on your own again.

Congratulations on your wedding! Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go dance and celebrate the fact that we finally have an empty nest.

I’m wishing for you a marriage that is as dependable and strong as your delivery of pizza. I hope that every day, your love arrives hot and fresh!

Cheers to a lifetime of love and a companion who can always remind you where your keys are.

Congratulations on discovering someone who shares your passion for shoes!

Remember, kids, marriage is like a garden. You have to tend to it, nurture it, and sometimes pull out a few weeds. But the rewards are always worth it. Congratulations!

I can’t wait to see what kind of trouble you two get into together. Just kidding—wishing you both a lifetime of love and adventure.

We’re so happy to see you two start this new chapter together. May your marriage be filled with adventure, joy, and unwavering support for one another.

Best wishes on your nuptials! Recall that finding that one person you want to irritate for the rest of your life is the main goal of marriage. Savor the experience of nonstop humor!

Let’s toast to a future filled with awkward family get-togethers and coordinated bathroom schedules!

Congratulations on meeting someone who will participate in your never-ending arguments about what to eat for dinner!

Congratulations on your wedding! Now, go have some fun and make us proud!

The three rings of marriage are engagement, wedding, and suffering.

May your marriage be filled with happiness, humor, and incessant Netflix binges.

I can’t believe my little sibling is all grown up and getting married. May your marriage be filled with love, laughter, and maybe a few sibling rivalries… just like old times.

Cheers to romance, joy, and a bathroom cleaner who always does the cleaning!

Toast to an endless love and having someone to point the finger at when stuff disappears!

Happily ever after, love, and laughter are in store! Well, at least after you both decide what to watch on TV!

May your marriage bring you as much joy as you bring to others—and with less washing to do.

To the groom, cheers! May you have a happy, loving marriage and always have a well-kept lawn.

Congratulations on your wedding! Now, don’t forget to call your mother… and your father too!

Why do wives pose a greater threat than the Mafia? Either your money or your life is what the Mafia wants. Wives desire both.

I’m not sure what’s more surprising, that you found someone to marry you or that they actually said yes. Just kidding—wishing you both a lifetime of love and surprises.

How can you make sure your spouse remembers your anniversary? On his birthday, get hitched.

You succeeded! You’ve finally met someone who finds your jokes funny and your dancing impressive.

Warmest regards for your nuptials! May your love be boundless and a tad inappropriate, just like your sense of humor.

May your marriage be filled with as much joy and laughter as we shared growing up. Congratulations on your wedding, sib!

What’s for dinner? isn’t the hardest question you’ll ask in a marriage.

Cheers to getting married to your best friend and the person who will never forget where you put your phone.

I’m wishing you a happy, funny, and pretend-listening spouse for your sports-related tirades.

As Bill and Ted advised, treat each other with excellence.

Remember all those embarrassing childhood stories I have on you? Well, I’m saving them for your anniversary speech. Just kidding—wishing you both a lifetime of love and happiness.

Marrying someone is like enrolling in drama school. I hope comedy outweighs melodrama.

Well, I guess this means I can finally have my own room back. Just kidding! Wishing you both a lifetime of happiness together.

Best wishes! May your wife always find charm in your dancing moves and your jokes.

I always knew you were a catch, but I never thought you’d actually get caught. Congratulations on finding your perfect match!

I hope your marriage is every bit as memorable and enjoyable as your wedding night!

Congratulations on your nuptials! You can never again ask to change the channel.

Remember, marriage is a partnership. Sometimes you have to compromise, sometimes you have to negotiate, and sometimes you just have to apologize. But as long as you love each other, you’ll be fine. Congratulations!

I hope that your love is like a good wine – it gets better with age and will probably make you do dumb things.

Getting married successfully necessitates falling in love multiple times, and with the same person every time.

Your marriage counsel: Never forget to apologize, even if it’s just to be correct. It is the key to a contented, humorous marriage!

May you live every night as your first and every day as your last.

Like a deck of cards, marriage has a club at the end and a diamond at the beginning. However, at least you’ll always have a secret weapon!

This marriage is made to last, just like a well-built house. On your birthday, consider jewelry to be your insurance.

I’m wishing you a happy, loving marriage with a partner who won’t criticize your movie choices.

To be married is to commit. Obviously, insanity also does. You two have to be genuinely crazy or incredibly in love.

I’m so proud of the person you’ve become, and I’m even more proud to call you my sibling. Congratulations on your wedding!

We’re so happy for you both! May your marriage be filled with love, laughter, and maybe a few grandchildren for us to spoil.

Congratulations for locating a companion willing to tolerate your antics!

May your love be as timeless as your friend’s clothes, yet current enough to endure the test of time!

The only war in which you sleep with your opponent is marriage. Congratulations!

Congratulations on meeting someone who will embrace your crazy and go on adventures with you.

A friend getting married is the worst thing ever. My parents now have even more justification to encourage me to get married. Many congratulations.

So that is it for our list of Funny Wedding Quotes and Messages. We hope you found the perfect one for you!