Hilarious Sayings and Funny Phrases to Bring the Laughs

As they say, laughter is the best medicine, but even if you’re not sick it is nice to enjoy a chuckle now and then. Which is why we have put together a list of all the best hilarious sayings for you to share. And if you’re looking for short funny phrases, we also have you covered.

Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.

Hilarious Sayings

I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I’m crazy. The tenth is just humming.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

Could you point me to the bathroom? I have a stool appointment.

I’m not always hungry; sometimes I’m sleepy, too.

I’d be offended, but I’m too busy correcting your grammar.

Yup, gravity still works!

My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.

Sure, I can help you out. Which way did you come in?

I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous. But a super humid room…well, not too humid, because, you know…my hair.

A train station is where a train stops. A bus station is where a bus stops. I have a work station on my desk, so…

Nothing brings this family together like yelling, “Dinner’s ready!”

I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

When people tell me, “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver.

God created the world. Everything else is made in China.

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur.

Every woman should marry an archaeologist, because the older she gets, the more he’ll love her.

I’m currently unsupervised. I know, it freaks me out, too, but the possibilities are endless.

Finally, some peace and quiet!

Carpe diem cras! – “Seize the day tomorrow!”

I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.

You’ve always taught me to be independent. Thank you for giving me enough of your hard-earned money so I can be.

There goes the neighborhood …

If we were trapped on a deserted island, I’d wait as long as possible before going cannibal on you.

I need a 6-month vacation, twice a year.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.

My email password was hacked. I guess it’s time to rename my cat again!

I’d never pretend to not see you in public.

Sarcasm helps keep people from understanding you’re saying what you really think of them.

Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.

You’re not made of sugar—you won’t melt.

I’m really jealous of you. I’ll never have a kid as cool, smart, and funny as you do.

I used up all of my sick leave, so I called in dead.

This isn’t a pyramid, but I guess it’s fine.

Refusing to go to the gym is one of the best forms of resistance training.

Jokes about office supplies are fine, but rulers are where I draw the line.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, I can help you out.

Do as I say, not as I do.

I have neither the patience nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.

My tallest finger loves giving standing ovations.

You’re driving me crazy. Please pull over.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

My brain has too many tabs open.

Hello from the other side of the couch because I’m not getting up.

Don’t regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

At my age, I’ve seen it all, done it all, heard it all…I just can’t remember it all.

Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.

Just take my advice because I’m not going to use it.

Hokey Pokey Rehab… It’s never too late to turn yourself around.

I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

Finally, spring is here! I’m so stoked I wet my plants.

Please excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.

A balanced diet simply means having cupcakes in each hand.

I’m not saying I’m overreacting. But there are good times and there are bad times to hand me a chainsaw.

Never underestimate your child’s ability to embarrass you.

A psychiatrist is someone who will charge you money for answers that you can get for free from your family.

I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.

Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But neither does milk.

I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.

Time is precious. Waste it wisely.

Died from not forwarding that email to 10 people.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?

You’re so inspiring! You make me want to actually put my dirty laundry into the hamper instead of in a pile next to it.

That’s all, folks!

When we’re old, we should live in the same retirement home and cause trouble there.

Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.

Knock-knock. Who’s there? Owl. Owl who? Owl see you real soon.

Whatever you’re doing, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.

Working from home is just the technical term for keeping track of emails and acting like your cat isn’t the real boss.

This family is temperamental—half temper, half mental.

Whatever you’re doing, always give 100%… unless you’re donating blood.

Earth is like an insane asylum for the universe.

I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

Why, yes, I had a nice trip. I’ll see you next fall.

I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.

Don’t worry. If Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I have neither the patience nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.

The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table, I was trying to make room for a pizza.

Earth is like an insane asylum for the universe.

Cancel my subscription—I don’t need your issues.

I’m out of my mind. I’ll be back in five minutes.

I told you I was sick.

If I were a serial killer, I’d kill you last.

A best friend is someone who clears your search history immediately after you die.

If we tell people the brain is an app, maybe they’ll start using it.

I’d be happy to give you a shoulder to cry on, except I don’t want my shoulder to get wet.

You’re one of the few people I find tolerable.

I tried rearranging the letters in the alphabet, but U and I would never separate.

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?

Raised three daughters with only one bathroom and still loved them.

I didn’t fall down—the floor needed a hug.

If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber!

I don’t need a new hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

If you lend someone money and never see them again, it was probably worth every penny.

I’d be offended, but I’m too busy mentally correcting your grammar.

Can you hear that? That’s my pillow calling, and it gets really mean if I make it wait too long.

I’m really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.

The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.

The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.

Hay is for horses.

If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Everyone has a right to be stupid, but some (including me) abuse that privilege.

I’m not aging, I’m marinating.

I actually sold the vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.

If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not really your friends.

ERROR 404: Motivation not found.

I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who’s going to do it.

You’re my favorite person to be socially awkward with!

Being an adult is like folding a sheet. No one really knows how to do it.

Anything done before the first coffee of the day could be classified as self-defense.

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

Always remember that you’re unique… just like everyone else is.

I’m not aging, I’m just becoming a classic.

Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

If I’ve learned anything from this job, it’s how to look busy.

I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine.

I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.

I’m so glad this family is on my side. You would make terrifying enemies.

Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

Everyone has the right to be dumb. Some people abuse that privilege.

People think I’m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).

May I please be excused? My brain is full.

Caution: I have no filter.

We’re not socks, but we make a great pair.

You know what they say: Dynamite comes in small packages.

Just because I’m awake doesn’t mean I’m ready to do anything.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away…if you throw it hard enough!

I’m reading a book about antigravity. It’s impossible to put down.

A true optimist is someone who falls off a skyscraper and, after 50 floors, thinks to themselves, “So far, so good!”

I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.

You guys are the only people who roast me at dinner and still expect me to do the dishes.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away—if you throw it hard enough!

Sorry, kids. But I have to follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle: Keep away from children.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it six or seven times, just to be sure.

Getting older is like living in a haunted house. Lots of creaking and groaning.

Running in place will get you nowhere fast.

See you in the zombie apocalypse.

“Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backward.

I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.

The best part of coming to work is going home at the end of the day.

A pessimist is someone who has spent too much time listening to optimists.

Do you remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? Me neither.

I speak fluent ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.

We put the “fun” in “dysfunctional.”

Why be moody when you can shake your booty?!

My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.

My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

It’s difficult to do nothing because you never know when you’re done.

I’m so glad we have brown cows. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be any chocolate milk.

If I were a serial killer, I’d kill you last.

My brain says “crunches” but my stomach says “cupcakes.”

Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.

Sorry, Mom. I do all my ironing in the dryer.

I need a 6-month vacation, twice a year.

Don’t trip today. I’d hate to see you fall for someone else.

Want to know what it’s like to have the best kid in the world? You’ll have to ask Grandma and Grandpa.

The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.

Excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.

After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

I could read a book, but I just find that the letters get really repetitive after a while.

You know what I’m thankful for? You…and Nutella.

Don’t regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.

Death is just one more thing to cross off my to-do list.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

Exercise can add more years to your life. I just ran a mile, and I already feel like I’m 82.

I wanna be the reason you look at your phone and smile… then walk into a pole.

My weight? Eh, I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

My tallest finger loves giving people standing ovations.

I’m so glad I managed to find a BFF as weird as I am!

My jeans say “eat a salad,” but my heart says “eat pizza.”

Well, I finally have a parking spot in this town.

Remember, as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice, normal family.

I have a job title, technically, but I just go by “Expert Email Sender.”

Hay is for horses.

You’re so annoying. You’re so weird. You’re so crazy. You’re so stupid. You’re so clingy. You’re…just like me!

It’s OK if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.

I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is “Goodbye.”

I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”—if it were a good morning, I’d be sleeping and not talking to people.

A diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.

No, you’re not adopted. But we’ve placed an ad.

Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.

I can’t espresso how much you mean to me.

I respect the opinion of everyone who agrees with me.

A best friend is someone who clears your search history immediately after you die.

There’s so much I love about our little family, especially the part when you guys fall asleep.

Shh—I’m sleeping!

I do all my ironing in the dryer.

If you were a fruit, you’d be a fine-apple.

A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting in the cell with you.

You must be a gardener because I love your two-lips.

You moved around a lot when I was growing up, but I always found you.

I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid who’s as cool, smart or devilishly handsome as theirs.

You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.

If we were on a plane about to crash and only had one parachute, I promise I’d give an amazing speech at your funeral.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.

I’m at an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

I have a clean conscience. I haven’t used it once.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

The trouble with being awesome is that opposites attract.

If a market is well stocked, is it called the stock market?

I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.

Are you unhappy? Are you alone? Fear not, the light is always on for you in the fridge.

I’d like to apologize to anyone I haven’t yet offended. Please be patient. I’ll get to you shortly.

I’m so glad this family is on my side because they would make terrifying enemies.

I’ve had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.

I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.

If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off of it!

I could read a book, but I just find that the letters get really repetitive after a while.

I don’t have a library card, but I can check you out!

So that is it for our list of Hilarious Sayings. We hope you found the perfect one for you!

If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Funny May Letter Board Quotes, Funny Uplifting Quotes and Short Funny Positive Quotes.

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