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100 Short Funny Quotes for When Life is Humorous

Everyone needs a little humor sometimes and when it comes to funny quotes, short ones are often the best. We gathered the best funny short quotes for Instagram and sayings for when you need a laugh or a smile.

Our Favorite Short Funny Quotes for Instagram

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“What’s another word for Thesaurus?” – Steven Wright

“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain

“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

“Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.” – Gilbert Gottfried

“If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.” – Larry David

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

Sun on a lake iwth funny short quotes by Steve Martin

“I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.” – BIll Murray

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” – Steven Wright

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

“Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.” – Jessica Simpson

“Throw off your worries when you throw off your clothes at night.” – Napoleon Bonaparte

Night sky with short funny good night quotes by Bonaparte

“Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.” – J.R. Ewing, Dallas

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” – Oscar Wilde

“A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James.

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn

“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’” – Cookie Monster

“A good friend will help you move. But best friend will help you move a dead body.” – Jim Hayes

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” – Marlene Dietrich

Two drinks from above with short funny friendship quotes by Marlene Dietrich

“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.” – Sicilian Proverb

“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.” – Charles Lamb

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson

“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places.” — Mark Twain

“Friendship is not possible between two women, one of whom is very well dressed.” — Laurie Colwin

“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.” — Robert Brault

“Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends.” — Virginia Woolf

“Friendship is a wildly underrated medication.” – Anna Deavere Smith

Friends on beach with funny quotes about best friends by Smith

“Knowledge cannot replace friendship. I’d rather be an idiot than lose you.” — Patrick from “Spongebob Squarepants”

“Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!” — Bronwyn Polson

“Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.” — Otto von Bismarck

“There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.” — Sylvia Plath

If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Change Captions, Positive Change Quotes, Kindness Quotes, Short Letter Board Quotes, Funny Letter Board Quotes, Powerful Quotes, Happy Quotes and Inspirational Quotes.

Short Funny Life Quotes

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn

“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” – Johnny Carson

“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” — Forrest Gump

Person hiking with short funny quotes about life by Forrest Gump

“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne

“Life is really simple, but men insist on making it complicated.” — Confucius

“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” — Stephen Hawking

“Life is too short for long term grudges.” – Elon Musk

“If you don’t know where you’re going, any road’ll take you there.” – George Harrison

Hiker on cliff by ocean with funny quotes for life by Harrison

“Life is short and the older you get, the more you feel it. Indeed, the shorter it is.” – Viggo Mortensen

“Life is too short to be reading quotes about life being too short. Stop reading and go live your life!” –Kevin Ngo

“If at first you don’t succeed, quit. When life gives you lemons, quit. When the going gets tough, the tough just quit.” – Jim Rome

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

Cliffs and countryside with short funny motivational quotes by Charlie Chaplin

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie

“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” – W. C. Fields

“If you think you have it tough, read history books.” – Bill Maher

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin

“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin

“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” – Tina Fey

“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin

“I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.” – Elon Musk

“You never fail until you stop trying.” – Albert Einstein

Sunrise with short inspirational quotes by Albert Einstein

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Leibowitz

“I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.” – H. Kyle Seale

“Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

Person on cliff looking out to sea with short funny inspirational quotes by Will Rogers

“A camel is a horse designed by a committee.” – Sir Alec Issigonis

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

“I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.” – Harold Wilson

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” – Steven Wright

“Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.” – Mark Withers

“I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!” – Tom Lehrer

“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin

Heart cut out on its side with funny short quotes on love by Lily Tomlin

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” – Mae West

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles Schulz

“What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” – Pearl S. Bailey

“Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.” – John Lennon

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” – Brendan Francis

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” – Albert Einstein

“Love is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important.” – Lisa Hoffman

“Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.” – Ambrose Bierce

“What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” – Pearl Bailey

“Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” – H. L. Mencken

“Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” – Thomas Dewar

Short Witty Quotes

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck

“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.” – Oscar Levant

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill

“I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.” – Larry David

“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.” – Naguib Mahfouz

“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” – Rita Mae Brown

Rocky hills with short witty quotes

“A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin Jones

“I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.” – Henny Youngman

“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” – Derek Bok

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” – Samuel Goldwyn

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright

“The reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated.” – Mark Twain

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” – Dylan Thomas

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” – Gertrude Stein

“Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.” – Yogi Berra

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” – George Burns

“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.” – Gilbert Gottfried

“I drink to make other people more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway

Drink in front of volcano with clever short quotes by ernest Heminghway

“The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.” – Jon Stewart

“You can’t fix stupid.” – Ron White

“I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.” Ron White

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman

“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” – Paul Fix

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. Kenendy

“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” – Charles Dudley Warner

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx

“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.” – Paul R. Ehrlich

Short Sarcastic Quotes

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.” – Emo Philips

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov

“I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.” – Henny Youngman

“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” – Zach Galifianakis

Sunset over a town with short sarcastic quotes

“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.” – Demetri Martin

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Philips

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain

“I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott

“A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.” – Michael Douglas, Wall Street

“I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.” – Scott Adams

“High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” – Christopher Morley

“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” – H. L. Mencken

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Pierce

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott

“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.” – Jean Rostand

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney

“When all else fails, there’s always delusion.” – Conan O’Brien

Blue ocean with short funny quotes by Conan O'Brien

“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” – Steve Martin

“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers

“Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.” – George Eliot

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx

““Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.” – Thomas Lansing Masson

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx

“A waist is a terrible thing to mind.” – Karen Scalf Linamen

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Steve Carell, The Office

“Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.” – Ozzy Ozbourne

“A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.” – Marty Allen

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

“All men are equal before fish.” – Herbert Hoover

“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” – John Barrymore

“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” -Fred Allen

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” Redd Foxx

“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.” – Thomas Sowell

“I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.” – Ron White

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

“It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.” – Bill Hicks

Sunrise over a lake with funny short quotes

“The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg

“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” – Robert Bloch

“Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.” – J. Paul Getty

“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.” – Laurence J. Peter

Short Funny Sayings

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.

I like to be an optimist. It pisses people off.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.

Sunrise with short funny phrases

Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

I speak fluent ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.

I am an example to others. A bad example.

Come over to the dark side…we’ve got candy.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

Beach and cliff with short funny sayings

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.

Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

He who laughs last is a bit of a slow thinker.

An idea is only stupid if it doesn’t work.

Reality called, so I hung up

Confidence level: Kanye West

I don’t sweat—I sparkle

Be a cupcake in a world of muffins

When nothing goes right, go left instead

Flower on a cloudy day with short funny captions

I feel I am the undiscovered supermodel

I need a six-month holiday, twice a year

Bad choices make good stories

Yes, I do bad things, but I do them well

So that’s our list. We hope you found the quote you were looking for.

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two drinks from above
Woman holding up a clear chunk of ice on the beach

About the Author

Laynni Locke

I am Laynni Locke, a Canadian writer, reader and traveller with a passion for sharing life’s moments on social media. Keeping friends and family in the loop of our lives though photos and videos has become an essential activity for most.

And it doesn’t matter if you are travelling, celebrating a special occasion or just appreciating day-to-day life, when you take that perfect photo you are going to need the perfect caption or quote before you share it. Which is why we started Routinely Shares, providing comprehensive lists of quotes and captions to cover every occasion, adventure or loved one.

With extensive experience as a travel writer, social media specialist and grant writer, I have made it my mission to curate the best and easiest to use lists for your next post.

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