Everyone appreciates a good laugh now and then, so we have put together a list of all the best funny sayings for your next post. And if you’re looking for especially short funny sayings for Instagram, we also have you covered.
Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.
Short Funny sayings
I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.
Cancel my subscription—I don’t need your issues.
If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off of it!
Wine: The WD-40 of parenting. (It’s worth repeating!)
I can’t brain today. I have the dumb.
It doesn’t make sense because sense isn’t what it makes.
You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?
I went outside today. It was too hot, and there were people. Zero Stars.
The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
I could read a book, but I just find that the letters get really repetitive after a while.
Anything done before the first coffee of the day could be classified as self-defense.
Do as I say, not as I do.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!
The person who discovered milk. What was he doing?
Always end up phone calls like this: I have to run, the swing is free now.
“Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backward.
Do you remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? Me neither.
See you in the zombie apocalypse.
My brain has too many tabs open.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she’ll mark the exact spot.
This isn’t a pyramid, but I guess it’s fine.
I’m reading a book about antigravity. It’s impossible to put down.
God created the world. Everything else is made in China.
I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.
If I say a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the can.
When he talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster.
Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.
Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller.
Whatever you’re doing, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
Children in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause children!
I can’t talk to you today. I talked to two people yesterday.
Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time-consuming.
The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.
Death is just one more thing to cross off my to-do list.
Hangover: The revenge of the surviving brain cells for their fallen comrades.
Of course, I can keep secrets, but the people I tell them to obviously can’t.
My favorite part of science has to be the peach tree dishes. I love the smell of peaches!
I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.
Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But neither does milk.
Sausage puns are the wurst.
If a market is well stocked, is it called the stock market?
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
To err is human. To arr is pirate.
I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who’s going to do it.
I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.
When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.
If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
“Buffet” is a French word that means “get up and get it yourself.”
There is no such thing as stupid questions..only stupid people
I spent a lot of time, money and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in.
Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, I can help you out.
If we were trapped on a deserted island, I’d wait as long as possible before going cannibal on you.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Well, I finally have a parking spot in this town.
Ever noticed that humans cut down big birdhouses to make smaller birdhouses?
It is not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!
The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.
He made one little blunder, now he’s six feet under.
God, I want patience, and I want it now!
Doing nothing is difficult. You never know when you’re finished.
Everyone has a right to be stupid, but some (including me) abuse that privilege.
If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?
What is the sound of no-hands texting?
The hot dog is the noblest of all dogs. It feeds the hand that bites it.
Busy as a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
Support bacteria, they are the only culture some people have.
They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.
Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But neither does milk.
Why be moody when you can shake your booty?!
No, you’re not adopted. But we’ve placed an ad.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away—if you throw it hard enough!
It’s OK if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
Willie Nelson told me I should stop name-dropping.
I have neither the patience nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.
If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it six or seven times, just to be sure.
I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
I don’t need a new hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
Small son sitting on Daddy’s lap: “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?”
Shh—I’m sleeping!
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.
I have to plug in my phone to charge it so often that I pretty much have a landline again.
Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.
Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.
I do all my ironing in the dryer.
I tried rearranging the letters in the alphabet, but U and I would never separate.
There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.
I found out why I’m single. It turns out you have to go outside and let people see you.
I think Alexa may be the ultimate mansplainer.
Excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.
My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems.
My favorite cookbook is a takeout menu.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
My jeans say “eat a salad,” but my heart says “eat pizza.”
My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
I walk around as though everything is fine, but deep down, on my right calf, my sock is sliding down.
If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Could you point me to the bathroom? I have a stool appointment.
You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
I have neither the patience nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.
My brain says “crunches” but my stomach says “cupcakes.”
Have you ever wondered why you can’t taste your tongue?
My weight? Eh, I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.
A diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
Can you hear that? That’s my pillow calling, and it gets really mean if I make it wait too long.
That’s all, folks!
Here lies [Name]. Pardon me for not rising.
Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Freedom means the right to yell, “THEATRE!” in a crowded fire.
Some days it takes me all day to get nothing done.
I actually sold the vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.
You’re driving me crazy. Please pull over.
I’m so vain. I probably think this post is about me.
Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.
If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check your pulse.
My tallest finger loves giving standing ovations.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
May I please be excused? My brain is full.
The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.
A wise man once told me to always listen carefully because…um…I can’t remember.
I’m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything… Far from it.
You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.
Don’t worry. If Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.
I’m happy we live in modern times and I don’t have to hunt pizza myself.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.
I like to stay home. It’s too peopley outside.
Learn from Pandora’s mistake—think outside the box.
I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine.
If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
I could read a book, but I just find that the letters get really repetitive after a while.
I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus.
My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.
Something about today makes me want to have a hangover tomorrow.
Yup, gravity still works!
Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
There’s a lot to be said in his favor, but it’s not nearly as interesting.
To twins: Which one of you looks more alike?
I’d be offended, but I’m too busy mentally correcting your grammar.
My jeans say “eat a salad,” but my heart says “eat pizza.”
Finally, spring is here! I’m so stoked I wet my plants.
My neighbors listen to really good music. Whether they like it or not.
Raised three daughters with only one bathroom and still loved them.
Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.
There goes the neighborhood …
I’m so glad this family is on my side because they would make terrifying enemies.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
I told you I was sick.
I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.
If pro is the opposite of con, what would then be the opposite of progress?
I’m really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.
Death is hereditary.
Hay is for horses.
You’re not made of sugar—you won’t melt.
I’d never pretend to not see you in public.
Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
You know what they say: Dynamite comes in small packages.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Finally, some peace and quiet!
Hay is for horses.
I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.
I didn’t fall down—the floor needed a hug.
I’d like to grow my own food, but I can’t find bacon seeds.
I went to buy some camo pants, but I couldn’t find any.
A best friend is someone who clears your search history immediately after you die.
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.
There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t.
Sure, I can help you out. Which way did you come in?
Died from not forwarding that email to 10 people.
Coffee: Because hating your job should be done with enthusiasm.
I want to be unique! Just like everyone else.
If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.
If your friend asks for some of your chips, you can reply: There’s no ‘we’ in chips.
Whatever you’re doing, always give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.
You can’t be late until you show up.
If it requires fake smiling, I’m not going.
To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
Are you unhappy? Are you alone? Fear not, the light is always on for you in the fridge.
Everyone has the right to do stupid things, but you’re abusing that privilege.
I’m not crazy. My imaginary friends can prove it.
You’re one of the few people I find tolerable.
Why, yes, I had a nice trip. I’ll see you next fall.
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
So that is it for our list of Short Funny Sayings. We hope you found the perfect one!
If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Short Quotes, Funny Thank You Messages, Funny Summer Letter Board Quotes, Three Word Captions, Good Morning Sayings and Short Funny Good Morning Quotes.
About the Author
Laynni Locke
I am Laynni Locke, a Canadian writer, reader and traveller with a passion for sharing life’s moments on social media. Keeping friends and family in the loop of our lives though photos and videos has become an essential activity for most.
And it doesn’t matter if you are travelling, celebrating a special occasion or just appreciating day-to-day life, when you take that perfect photo you are going to need the perfect caption or quote before you share it. Which is why we started Routinely Shares, providing comprehensive lists of quotes and captions to cover every occasion, adventure or loved one.
With extensive experience as a travel writer, social media specialist and grant writer, I have made it my mission to curate the best and easiest to use lists for your next post.