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75 Un-fore-gettablely Funny Golf Quotes


Are you like us and think that when it comes to golf quotes, funny ones are the best? If you are looking for the most hilarious golf quotes, look no further! We’ve scoured the internet for the best funny golf quotes and sayings for this list.

Our Favorite Funny Golf Quotes

“I don’t play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good.” ― Henry Beard

“There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.” ― Lee Trevino

“Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.” ― Jack Benny

“If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.” ― Sam Snead

“Golf is not a great sport. If you can smoke and drink while you’re doin’ it, it’s not a sport.” ― Michael Connelly

“The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green.” ― Ernest Hemingway

“The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie.” ― Mickey Mantle

Golfer with funny golf quotes by Mantle

“I am past writing angst songs for kids. My angst is when I can’t get my Porsche roof up and when I can’t get my golf handicap down.” ― Alice Cooper

“The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one – particularly if he plays golf, which he usually does.” ― Bertrand Russell

“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.” ― Dave Berry

“The only way of really finding out a man’s true character is to play golf with him. In no other walk of life does the cloven hoof so quickly display itself.” ― P. G. Wodehouse

“But in the end it’s still a game of golf, and if at the end of the day you can’t shake hands with your opponents and still be friends, then you’ve missed the point.” ― Payne Stewart

“Golf is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.” ― P.G. Wodehouse

“Golf has some drawbacks. It’s possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind.” ― Sir W.G. Simpson

Golf ball with golf quotes funny by Simpson

“A well hit golf shot is a feeling that goes up the shaft, right through your hands and into your heart.” ― Ben Hogan

“Never on any golf course have I been approached by a policeman who said, Lady, you can’t play with an ordinary golf ball. You’re a movie star. You’ll have to use a coconut for a ball.” ― Irene Dunne

“The Old Testament is responsible for more atheism, agnosticism, disbelief – call it what you will – than any book ever written; it has emptied more churches than all the counter attractions of cinema, motor bicycle and golf course.” ― A. A. Milne

“In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.” ― Allan Sherman

“Instead of saving for someone else’s college education, I’m currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.” ― Jen Kirkman

“The difference between a good golf shot and a bad one is the same as the difference between a beautiful and a plain woman – a matter of millimetres.” ― Ian Fleming

“Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.” ― James Murray

“Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.” ― Anonymous

“Golf is an unusual game. When you have a good day, you can’t wait to get back out there, and when you have a bad day, you can’t wait to get back out there.” ― Mic

“I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. I`m really worried about myself. I was actually enjoying it.” ― Ewan McGregor

“You know what the game of golf is, don’t you? It’s basketball for people who can’t jump and chess for people who can’t think.” ― Tom Robbins

“I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I’d spent about half the day in the woods.” ― Jeff Foxworthy

“Golf is a game that mirrors life. Golf is both a mystical journey of joy and sorrow and a physical journey of cause and effect.” ― Matthew E. Adams

“The main idea in golf as in life, I suppose is to learn to accept what cannot be altered…” ― Bobby Jones

“With many twists and holes life is much like a golf game: Without bats you cannot play.” ― Ana Claudia Antunes

“The great thing about starting golf in your forties is that you can start golf in your forties.” ― P. J. O’Rourke

“I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.” ― Ben Hogan

“A golf course is the epitome of all that is purely transitory in the universe; a space not to dwell in, but to get over as quickly as possible.” ― Jean Giraudoux

“Don’t force your kids into sports. I never was. To this day, my dad has never asked me to go play golf. I ask him.” ― Tiger Woods

“I’ve seen lifelong friends drift apart over golf just because one could play better, but the other counted better.” ― Stephen Leacock

“Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.” ― Harvey Penick

“Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.” ― Winston S. Churchill

“Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly 40 years to discover that I can’t play it.” ― Ted Ray

Golfer with inspirational funny quotes about golf by Ray

“Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.” ― Gary Player

“Enjoyment of golf, regardless of the level you play at, is primarily based on how closely you play to your level of ability.” ― Steve Bann

“As all souls are equal before their Maker, a two inch putt counts the same as a 250 yard drive. There is a comedy in this and a certain unfairness even, which makes golf an even apter mirror of reality.” ― John Updike

“Golf: A plague invented by the Calvinistic Scots as a punishment for man’s sins.” ― James Barrett Reston

“Consider the value of doing what you love and being paid for it! This is truly a golfer’s dream.” ― Lorii Myres

“Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.” ― John Updike

“There is no movement in golf that cannot be made more difficult through diligent study and practice.” ― Henry Beard

“Golf is a worrier’s game, inward, concentrated, a matter of inches, invented by the same people who gave us Presbyterianism.” ― Robert Hass

“I can’t wait to be that age and hanging out with a bunch of people hanging out all day playing golf and going to the beach, all my own age. We’d be laughing and having a good time. Driving golf carts around. I can’t wait.” ― Cameron Diaz

“Golf sits in that beautiful junction between perfection and frustration.” ― Colleen Ferrary Bader

“You have the opposite of poker face. You have like miniature golf face.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

“You ought to take more exercise, if you’re inclined to have a liver. Play golf.” ― Daphne du Maurier

“If profanity influenced the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.” ― Horace G. Hutchinson

“Golf without Jones would be like France without Paris: leaderless, lightless and lonely.” ― Herbert Warren Wind

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.” ― Mark Twain

“Golf is a billion-dollar industry devoted entirely to hope.” ― Deepak Chopra

“Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.” ― William Wordsworth

“We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.” ― Bruce Lansky

“You build a golf game like you build a wall, one brick at a time.” ― Tony Lema

“The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.” ― Pete Dye

Golfers with clever funny golf quotes by Dye

“I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.” ― Lee Trevino

“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” ― P.J. O’Rourke

“I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.” ― Gerald R. Ford

“Golf asks something of a man. It makes one loathe mediocrity. It seems to say, If you are going to keep company with me, don’t embarrass me.” ― Gary Player

“Golf has become so manicured, so perfect. The greens, the fairways. I don’t like golf carts. I like walking. Some clubs won’t let you in unless you have a caddy and a cart.” ― Robert Redford

“Like one’s own children, golf has an uncanny way of endearing itself to us while at the same time evoking every weakness of mind and character, no matter how well hidden.” ― Timothy Gallwey

“When we watch pro golfers, we expect them to play well, to make the shots we know we can’t, and to be entertaining. Their expectation, however, is very different. They expect to succeed!” Lorii Myers

“Golf camaraderie, like that of astronauts and Antarctic explorers, is based on a common experience of transcendence; fat or thin, scratch or duffer, we have been somerwhere together where non-golfers never go.” ― John Updike

“Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behaviour not otherwise excusable.” ― A. P. Herbert

“The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.” ― Ben Hogan

“My golf score seems to improve considerably when I have the score card.” ― Terry

“If you’ve forgotten what frustration is like, spend 10 minutes on a golf course.” ― RobertM

“The difference between golf and government is that in golf you cannot improve your lie.” ― George Deukmejian

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Baseball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” ― Tiger Woods

“The only time I talk on the golf course is to my caddy. And then only to complain when he has given me the wrong club.” ― Seve Ballesteros

“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” ― Dean Martin

“Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease.” ― Gerald Ford

“If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.” ― Paul Gallico

“Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf.” ― Brent Musberger

“There’s a reason why golfers walk forward to their next shot. It’s to move on.” ― J.R. Rim

Golfers wtih humorous golf quotes by Rim

“Golf is a game where you yell “Fore”, shoot six and write down five.” ― Napolean Hill

“Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. A dinner without wine.” ― Jim Murray

“It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” ― Mark Twain

“You’ve just got one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.” ― Sam Snead

“My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.” ― Lord Robertson of Port Ellen

“I am relying on the theory that playing golf is just like riding a bike and that I haven’t forgotten how.” ― Jennifer Wyatt

“There are many things you can successfully fake in business…but a good golf swing isn’t one of them.” ― Bobby Darnel

“Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.” — Bruce Crampton

“There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with golf.” ― Andrew Perry

If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Funny Golf Captions, Golf Puns, Funny Summer Quotes, Funny Fishing Quotes and Short Nature Quotes.

Funny Short Golf Quotes for Instagram

“The most important shot in golf is the next one.” ― Ben Hogan

“The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf – it’s almost a law.” ― H. G. Wells

“The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.” ― Billy Graham

“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” ― Jack Lemmon

“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” ― Bob Hope

“A great deal of unnecessarily bad golf is played in this world.” ― Harry Vardon

“Golf is like solitaire. When you cheat, you cheat only yourself.” ― Tony Lema

“Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.” ― Harvey Penick

“They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.” ― Raymond Flyod

“A major golf tournament is 40,000 sadists watching 144 masochists.” ― Thomas Boswell

“I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” ― Gerald Ford

Golfers with short funny quotes on golf by Ford

“Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.” ― Bill Cosby

“Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you?” ― Ben Hogan.

“I’m addicted. I’m addicted to golf.” ― Tiger Woods

“Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” ― Harry Vardon

“I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.” ― G. K. Chesterton

“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.” ― Henny Youngman

“If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.” ― Joey Lauren Adams

“It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” ― Hank Aaron

“I’d play every day if I could. It’s cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart.” ― Brent Musburger

“They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. It’s more complicated than that.” ― Gardner Dickinson

“Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?” ― Al Boliska

“To find a man’s true character, play golf with him.” ― P.G. Wodehouse

“Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.” Dave Hill

“You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.” — Lee Trevino

“My worst day at golf still beats my best day at work.” ― Corn Rows

Golfer with funny quotes for golfing by Rows

“Most people play a fair game of golf, If you watch them.” ― Joey Adams

“Whoever said “Practice makes perfect” obviously never played golf.” ― Lipschitz

“I went to play golf to try and shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.” ― Bob Hope

“I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.” ― Rogers Hornsby

“I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.” ― David Brenner

“The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.” ― Phyllis Diller

Golfer with funny golf quotes by Diller

“Mini-golf is a lot like life. It can be difficult. It can be rewarding. And there are windmills.” ― Joe Tessitore

Funny Golf Sayings

“The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.”

“A gimme can be best defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.”

“Many golfers prefer a cart to a caddy because a cart can’t count, criticize or laugh.”

“A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck.”

“A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.”

“A good golf partner is always slightly worse than you are – and that’s why I get so many calls to play with friends.”

“An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.”

“A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.”

Golfer with funny golf sayings

“Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly and the player always lies well.”

“Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.”

“Golf is an easy game…It’s just hard to play.”

“I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”

“If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.”

“Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is the beginning of the next group of three.”

“The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.”

So that’s our list! We hope we were able to help you find the best funny quote you were looking for.

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Golfer and golf cart
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About the Author

Laynni Locke

I am Laynni Locke, a Canadian writer, reader and traveller with a passion for sharing life’s moments on social media. Keeping friends and family in the loop of our lives though photos and videos has become an essential activity for most.

And it doesn’t matter if you are travelling, celebrating a special occasion or just appreciating day-to-day life, when you take that perfect photo you are going to need the perfect caption or quote before you share it. Which is why we started Routinely Shares, providing comprehensive lists of quotes and captions to cover every occasion, adventure or loved one.

With extensive experience as a travel writer, social media specialist and grant writer, I have made it my mission to curate the best and easiest to use lists for your next post.

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