Halloween is a wild, fun holiday that always serves up a lot of laughs, which is why we have gathered all the best funny Halloween quotes for you to share. And if you’re looking for short funny Halloween sayings, we also have you covered.
Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.
Funny Halloween Quotes
“Where there is no imagination there is no horror.” – Arthur Conan Doyle
“Every day is Hal”There’s only 365 days left until next Halloween!” – The Nightmare Before Christmas
“If you want to scare your boyfriend next Halloween, come dressed as what he fears most. Commitment.” — Peter Nelson
“Happy Halloween to all. And to all a good fright.” — Hubie Dubois, “Hubie Halloween”
“Every October I’m kidnapped and forced to scare birds at a local pumpkin patch.” — Conan O’Brien
“Catching and holding the attention of an eight-year-old on Halloween is like trying to catch a hummingbird with a piece of dental floss. It’s theoretically possible, but not very likely.” ― Abbi Waxman, “Adult Assembly Required”
“Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” — Stephen Graham Jones
“Halloween is right around the corner. You can tell because all the stores are decked out for Christmas.” — Stephen Colbert
“It’s Halloween; everyone’s entitled to one good scare.” – Brackett, Halloween
“That’s nothing compared to the fury of a woman who has been cheated out of trick-or-treats. — Linus, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
“My Halloween costume was so bad that people opened their doors and took candy from me.” — Glen Nesbit
“I didn’t know if you have kids you need five different costumes.” — Mindy Kaling
“It’s alive!” – Frankenstein
“I go for a look which I call ‘Dead but Delicious.’” — Vladislav, “What We Do in the Shadows”
“I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.” — Gomez Addams, “The Addams Family”
“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” ― Ogden Nash, “Reflections on Ice Breaking”
“My Halloween costume is Godot. I’m not showing up at the party, just texting the host every 10 minutes that I’m on my way.” — Wynne McLaughlin
“Halloween is so close I can practically taste the children’s tears.” — Frances Bean Cobain
“For Halloween I’m going as a narcissist.” — Conan O’Brien
“There are three things that I’ve learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin.” — Linus, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
“Eatin’ purple people and it sure is fine.” Sheb Wooley, — “The Purple People Eater”
“I ate John. I wept the entire meal. Even though he tasted delicious.” — Nandor, “What We Do in the Shadows”
“Has it ever occurred to you that it might be unsettling to see you arise from the grave to visit me?” — David Kessler, “American Werewolf in London”
“I don’t see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one.” — Linus, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
“How many more months of Halloween this year?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Halloween: the night that fathers get their hearts broken when they see their daughters costume.” — Whitney Cummings
“My poor little sister should be out trick-or-treating. But look at her. You’ve kept her from a normal childhood, and it’s turned her into a wall ornament!” — Marnie Piper, “Halloweentown”
“It’s showtime!” — Beetlejuice, “Beetlejuice”
“You know, I’ve always wanted a child. And now I think I’ll have one on toast!” — Winifred Sanderson, “Hocus Pocus”
“Beware! As you trick or treat. These creatures will find you and make you smell their feet.” — Casey Browning, “Ol’ Halloween Night”
“Where my ghouls at?” – Monster Highloween, isn’t it? For some of us.” – Tim Burton
“Little tip, when you show up to a Halloween party not dressed up, it’s the same as showing up to a normal party in a costume.” — Josh Groban
“So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my moustache.” — Pam Beesly, “The Office”
“There is nothing that gives more assurance than a mask.” – Collette
“Trick or treats come only once a year, and I missed it by sitting in a pumpkin patch with a blockhead.” — Sally, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
“Halloween is the only time people can become what they want to be without getting fired.” — Sylvester Stallone
“Why spiders? Why couldn’t it be ‘follow the butterflies?’” — Ron Weasley, “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets”
“This Halloween I’m going as a human disaster that way I don’t have [to] get dressed up.” — Jim Gaffigan
“I see dead people.” – The Sixth Sense
“Ah, the old express bus to Hell. No lines, no waiting!” — Cyrus, “The Frighteners”
“Werewolves howl. Phantoms prowl. Halloween’s upon us now.” – Richelle E. Goodrich
“The first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you’re a kid, your brain can’t even process the information. You’re like, ‘What is this? What did you say about giving out candy? Who is giving out candy?’ Everyone that we know is just giving out candy?’” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, ‘Never take candy from strangers.’ And then they dressed me up and said, ‘Go beg for it.’ I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, ‘Trick or treat…no, thank you.’” — Rita Rudner
“We have had our summer evenings, now for October eves!” – Humbert Wolfe
“Just put on my Halloween costume! This year I’m going as ‘Guy Who Thinks Halloween Is On October 18th.’” — Stephen Colbert
“It’s pronounced ‘Fronkensteen.’” — Dr. Frederick Frankenstein, “Young Frankenstein”
“Be afraid, be very afraid.” – Ronnie, The Fly
“Wench! Trollop! You buck-toothed, mop-riding firefly from hell!” — Billy Butcherson, “Hocus Pocus”
“The undead surround me. Have you ever talked to a corpse? It’s boring.” — Jack Goodman, “American Werewolf in London”
“I could have had candy apples and gum and cookies and money and all sorts of things. But, no, I had to listen to you, you blockhead.” — Sally, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
“As a kid, Halloween was amazing. You dress like a superhero, you bang on your neighbor’s door, and they give you candy. I do that today, and my neighbor wants me arrested.” — Jim Gaffigan
“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Now Halloween’s over, it’s time to start thinking about the next time you’re gonna annoy your neighbors — caroling.” — Ellen DeGeneres
“I put a spell on you because you’re mine.”- Jay Hawkins
“Being normal is vastly overrated.” — Aggie Cromwell, “Halloweentown”
“I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed.” – Rihanna
Funny Halloween Quotes
“Never trust the living.” – Beetlejuice
“I can’t believe I’m in a graveyard with a strange man hunting for vampires on a school night.” — Buffy, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
“This is my costume. I’m a homicidal maniac, they look just like everyone else.” — Wednesday Addams, “The Addams Family”
“If the ghost of a murdered girl really existed I think she’d have something better to do than haunt people who don’t forward chain emails.” — Rhys James
“Keep calm and carry a wand.” — A.W. Jantha, “Hocus Pocus & The All New Sequel”
“Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see.” – Edgar Allan Poe
“It obviously doesn’t do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can’t see you!” — Juno, “Beetlejuice”
“We’ve made it to Sunday. Halloween is still 4 days away. We have to stay strong together. It will all be over soon.” — Jesse Tyler Ferguson
“Have you come to sing pumpkin carols?” – Linus, It’s the Great Pumpkin
“You rang?” — Lurch, “The Addams Family”
“My own brother, a damn, blood-sucking vampire. You wait until Mom finds out, buddy!” — Sam Emerson, “The Lost Boys”
“Mom, tell the Zombie to stop saying stuff about me!” — Courtney Babcock, “ParaNorman”
“Halloween is just finals week for parents.” — Jim Gaffigan
“Bing, bong. ‘C’mon lady, let’s go. Halloween, doorbells, candy. Let’s pick it up.’” — Jerry Seinfeld
“On Halloween you get to become anything that you want to be.” – Ava Dellaria
“If I’d known you were coming, I could’ve made up the dungeon.” — Morticia Addams, “The Addams Family”
“Candy doesn’t have to have a point. That’s why it’s candy.” — Charlie Bucket, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”
“Every day is Halloween, isn’t it? For some of us.” — Tim Burton
“It’s a full moon tonight. That’s why all the weirdos are out.” – Dani, Hocus Pocus
“They’re creepy and they’re kooky, mysterious, and spooky.” – Andrew Gold
“How many times do I have to tell you? There is no such thing as ghouls, ghosts, goblins or monsters! Listen up, there is absolutely, absolutely no such thing as … MONSTER!” — Fred, “Scooby-Doo: The Movie”
“For Halloween, I’m going as that feeling you get at a store when you try to refold a sweater property and put it back on the shelf.” — Rob Delaney
“Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, because I got to tell you, this dead thing… it’s just too creepy.” — Beetlejuice, “Beetlejuice”
“If you were the only suspect in a senseless bloodbath — would you be standing in the horror section?” — Randy Meeks, “Scream”
“Well, fancy! We desire children.” – Winifred Sanderson, Hocus Pocus
“Sticky fingers, tired feet; one last house, trick or treat!” – Rusty Fischer
“How many girls are telling themselves right now: “Dammit Becky learn your lesson; even on Halloween, glitter is NEVER worth it.” — Anne Kendrick
“Was deciding if I should dress as Batman or Spiderman for Halloween, when I realized I’m a grown man. So, Batman.” — Stephen Colbert
“It’s that special time of year where we voluntarily imbibe pumpkin-spiced lattes: the coffee that tastes like a candle.” — John Oliver
“There’s something incredibly liberating about a holiday that encourages children to take candy from strangers.” — Steve Almond
“I don’t understand it. I went trick-or-treating and all I got was a bag full of rocks.” — Charlie Brown, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
“You don’t know me, but I used to live in your dead mother.” — Maggot, “Corpse Bride”
“If you’ve got it, haunt it.” – Rose Pressey
“Kinda spooky that Halloween has never fallen on Friday the 13th.” — Stephen Colbert
“As a kid, Halloween was amazing. You dress like a superhero, you bang on your neighbor’s door and they give you candy. I do that today and my neighbor wants me arrested.” — Jim Gaffigan
If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Angel Captions, Devil Captions, Ghost Puns, Halloween Puns, Short Halloween Captions, Witch Captions and Vampire Captions.
Funny Halloween Sayings
Wishing you a fang-tastic Howl-oween!
Can’t hide it, I love pumpkin spice a whole latte.
I hope you find this humerus
There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless
There is magic in the night when pumpkins glow by moonlight.
This is my resting witch face
Not going to eat candy? That’s witchful thinking.
I will gourd this candy with my life!
This will definitely come in candy.
This is where the magic happens
Don’t make me get the flying monkeys
The ghosts really brought the boo-ty this year.
Wishing you a spook-tacular night full of chills and thrills.
No playing it small. Go big or gourd home.
Just a little pumpkin spice to sweeten the season.
Halloween makes me so (candy) corny
They say it was love at first bite—fangs and all.
When the witches go riding, and black cats are seen, the moon laughs and whispers ’tis near Halloween.
Just out here creepin’ it real, as usual.
Just checked my horror-scope—looks like a killer night ahead.
Brrr… it’s cold in here. There must be some spirits in the atmosphere!
Out here feeling gourd and festive.
I have one thing to say about this candy: Bone appétit!
Happy Hallo-weenie!
Your costume is so realistic that it’s un-candy!
It’s the most frightful time of the fear.
I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Carving out quality time for spooky season.
Have yourself the happiest of Hollow-weens!
Witch better have my candy
Halloween’s the one day you’re supposed to come as you aren’t.
You’ve got me under your spell.
Pretty sure Gourd of the Rings deserves an Oscar.
This witch can be bribed with chocolate
Wrapped up and ready—you’re clearly the mummy of the year.
I’m not playing Twix when I say I love this holiday.
Slipped on a pumpkin and totally lost my gourd.
You really don’t know jack-o’-lantern, do you?
Witch and ghost make merry on this last of dear October days.
You can always count on a vampire to go for the blood orange.
Getting kissed by a vampire is a pain in the neck.
Call it what it is: pure squash ambition.
I’m only human, I’ve got a skeleton in me
If you’ve got it, haunt it
Starbursting to eat all this candy
Halloween night Pop Rocks my world
During the day, I don’t believe in ghosts. At night, I’m a little more open-minded.
No more treats? This is unBOOlievable
Don’t forget your spoo-key—this house doesn’t unlock itself.
You’re the best of the bunch—truly the pick of the patch.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
It’s all treats or all pumpkin. No in-between.
I did some exorcise to prepare for all this candy
Hope your Halloween is hex-tra special this year.
Witch parking. All others will be toad.
Trick or treat, bag of sweets, ghosts are walking down the street.
Time to get this party startled!
There aren’t any skeletons in my closet, but I do have some in my trunk
Welcome to the pun-kin patch, where the jokes never rot.
Bugs and hisses, witches!
Let’s give ’em pumpkin worth talking about.
The dead rise again, bats fly, terror strikes and screams echo, for tonight it’s Halloween.
I’m already ten steps ahead of the carve this year.
This is my magic happy potion
I can’t make everyone happy—I’m not pumpkin spice!
Grab your broomstick so we can make a clean getaway.
It’s time to have some skele-fun
Witch better have my candy.
Halloween is going to be great—I can feel it in my bones!
If you didn’t get tricked, was it even Halloween?
This is the one time a year I could truly be myself
A real witch is nothing without her ghoulfriends
Can you tell me witch way to the pumpkin patch?
Still searching for a boo who’s my blood type.
I can’t Reese-ist a good Halloween pun
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… and spiders.
Hocus Pocus and chill?
The Halloween candy is spook-tacular.
Tell everybunny it’s time for a Hoppy Halloween.
Not every witch lives in Salem
I’m a witch every day. Not just for Halloween.
Cracked jack-o’-lantern? No problem, there’s always a pumpkin patch.
Got a bone to pick with every skeleton at this party.
So pumped for Halloween I could burst like an overripe gourd.
99 problems but a witch ain’t one
Stressed, blessed, pumpkin obsessed
I don’t celebrate Halloween, I am Halloween
Hocus pocus, I need coffee to focus
Skeletons don’t have the guts to dress up for Halloween.
Beware of Resting Witch Face.
All my best ghoulfriends are total witches
Hope your Halloween is full of Snickers and (Almond) Joy!
Don’t make me drop a house on you
Fangs for the memories
girl dressed as witch, holding pumpkin and broom, portrait
Halloween’s not the same if I can’t be witch you.
Frankenstein skips the dance floor with his two left feet.
Your costume? Couldn’t scare less.
I’ve got tricks and treats up my sleeve.
So that is it for our list of Funny Halloween Quotes and Sayings. We hope you found the perfect one for you!
About the Author
Laynni Locke
I am Laynni Locke, a Canadian writer, reader and traveller with a passion for sharing life’s moments on social media. Keeping friends and family in the loop of our lives though photos and videos has become an essential activity for most.
And it doesn’t matter if you are travelling, celebrating a special occasion or just appreciating day-to-day life, when you take that perfect photo you are going to need the perfect caption or quote before you share it. Which is why we started Routinely Shares, providing comprehensive lists of quotes and captions to cover every occasion, adventure or loved one.
With extensive experience as a travel writer, social media specialist and grant writer, I have made it my mission to curate the best and easiest to use lists for your next post.