Nothing brings family together like a bit of humor, so we have put together a list of all the best hilarious family quotes for your next post. And if you’re looking for short hilarious family sayings for Instagram, we also have you covered.
Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.
Hilarious Family Quotes
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.” — Wayne Huizenga
“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.” — Gracie Allen
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two – thirds incontinent.” — Robert Brault
“Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.” — Sam Levenson
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” — Erma Bombeck
“Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” — Robert Frost
“To put the world in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order; we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.” — Confucius
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” — George Bernard Shaw
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.” — Anthony Anderson
“It’s hard to give up the self—esteem connected to being codependent and appearing ‘right,’ which is probably survival behavior learned from growing up in a crazy family. It feels like you will actually disappear.” — Melody Beattie
“Every family has that one crazy person in it. If you’re missing one I seem to have a few extras.” — Unknown
“They say that no matter how old you become, when you are with your siblings, you revert back to childhood.” — Karen White
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” — Cary Grant
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” — Erma Bombeck
“Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters, and of family disagreements.” — Queen Elizabeth II
“To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there.” — Barbara Bush
“Everything is relative except relatives, and they are absolute.” — Alfred Stieglitz
“Siblings know your greatest faults, yet still love you and come to your defense.” — Sally Painter
“I been with strangers all day and they treated me like family. I come in here to family and you treat me like a stranger.” — August Wilson
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.” — Ugo Betti
“Being crazy isn’t enough.” — Dr. Seuss
“I enjoy slaughtering beasts, and I think of my relatives constantly.” — Roger Zelazny
“Remember as far as anyone knows we’re a nice, normal family.” — Homer Simpson
“There’s nothing that makes you more insane than family. Or more happy. Or more exasperated. Or more…secure.” — Jim Butcher
“The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.” — Bill Vaughan
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.” — Fred Allen
“Family is just an accident. They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.” — Marsha Norman
“One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.” — Euripides
“Having lots of siblings is like having built-in best friends.” — Kim Kardashian
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” — Buddy Hackett
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
“Siblings – the definition that comprises love, strife, competition and forever friends.” — Byron Pulsifer
“In time of test, family is best.” — Burmese Proverb
“The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us all to become our best while looking our worst.” — Marge Kennedy
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.” — Ogden Nash
“No one wants to rattle the cage of a “crazy” person whose family tends to snap.” — Nicole Gulla
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.” — Douglas Adams
“Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present and future.” — Gail Buckley
“Ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.” — Stitch
“Family: a social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.” — Evan Esar
“Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements.” — Elizabeth II
“We all have competitive relationships with our siblings.” — John Benjamin Hickey
“I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.” — Wanda Sykes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close – knit family in another city.” — George Burns
“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” — Bill Cosby
“Never stay with friends or relatives. You end up living on their schedules.” — Jamie Farr
“Looks like my crazy family Is down one crazy daughter cause I’m shipwrecked in a desert that Once was underwent just Looking for a swift turn of phrase Some colors to fly As I float by In the parade.” — Ani DiFranco
“Comparison is a death knell to sibling harmony.” — Elizabeth Fishel
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“You don’t have to be defined or confined by your environment, by your family circumstances, and certainly not by your race or gender.” — Mariah Carey
“In some families, ‘please’ is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was ‘sorry’.” — Margaret Laurence
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.” — Patricia McCann
“Family quarrels have a total bitterness unmatched by others. Yet it sometimes happens that they also have a kind of tang, a pleasantness beneath the unpleasantness, based on the tacit understanding that this is not for keeps; that any limb you climb out on will still be there later for you to climb back.” — Mignon McLaughlin
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.” — H. L. Mencken
“The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works, is the family.” — Lee Iacocca
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.” — Maxime Lagacé
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” — Harry Morgan
“Siblings know you better than anyone. They may not always admire you, but they’ll always be intensely interested in you.” — Dr Terri Apter
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?” — Robert Brault
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.” — Marcelina Hardy
“When in doubt, you bring in relatives. Nepotism is a part of my work.” — Garry Marshall
“Feel what you feel, know what you know, and set your relatives free to do the same.” — Melody Beattie
“Fate chooses our relatives, we choose our friends.” — Jacques Delille
“We want to do one thing and do it really well. For us, that’s communications between people who are friends and relatives.” — Jan Koum
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or -wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.” — Delia Ephron
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.” — Ralph Bus
“I can get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror and my family can look at me too and that’s all that matters.” — Lance Armstrong
“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, ‘you know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty.” — Jeff Foxworthy
“A brother is a friend given by nature.” — Ernest Legouve
“Nobody has ever before asked the nuclear family to live all by itself in a box the way we do. With no relatives, no support, we’ve put it in an impossible situation.” — Margaret Mead
“Blood relatives often have nothing to do with family, and similarly, family is about who you choose to make your life with.” — Oliver Hudson
“There is no cure for laziness but a large family helps.” — Herbert V. Prochnow
“Eating well, being around the table with the family or friends or relatives – it doesn’t get any better.” — Lidia Bastianich
“I may not be my brother’s keeper, but I am my brother’s brother.” — Jeffrey Holland
“The family is one of nature’s masterpieces.” — George Santayana
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.” — Lemony Snicket
“The best thing about having a sister was that I always had a friend.” — Cali Rae Turner
“I’ve never been a fan of loans between relatives or friends. They can divide relationships.” — Jean Chatzky
“Siblings seem to be tethered to each other like anchors around their ankles.” — Sally Painter
“The family – that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to.” — Dodie Smith
“The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.” — Bertrand Russell
“If I have friends I don’t like, I can drop them. You can divorce a husband or wife. Siblings are inescapable.” — Geoffrey Greif
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.” — Emo Phillips
“What causes sibling rivalry? Having more than one kid.” — Tim Allen
“Board games bring out the worst in siblings, especially when they don’t draw the Get Out of Jail Free Card and then land on Park Place and Boardwalk! — Sally Painter
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.” — Earl Wilson
“If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange, a circle of sections, held together but separable – each segment distinct.” — Letty Cottin Pogrebin
“Ask anyone and they’ll most likely say their family is crazy, and if they don’t say their family is crazy, their friends are crazy. That’s because everyone is crazy after taking the mask off. People are most themselves when not really trying to fit in, when either alone or around those already closest to them, and that is crazy.” — Criss Jami
“I had no blood relatives till I made some.” — Andy Dick
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” — Buddy Hackett
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long—term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” — Chelsea Handler
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.” — Erma Bombeck
“Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family.” — Anthony Brandt
“We were a very funny family. Humour was the tool with which my brother and I tried to get attention. We were always trying to be the funniest.” — Meg Cabot
“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.” — Erma Bombeck
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” — Martin Mull
“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.” — W.C. Fields
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.” — Jeff Foxworthy
“Family is not an important thing. It’s everything.” — Michael J. Fox
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.” — Robert Brault
“If you want to understand the dynamics of siblings, just watch the game show Family Feud.” — Sally Painter
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.” — Shailene Woodley
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?” — Jeff Lindsay
“When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.” — George Bernard Shaw
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin
“Siblings always remember every wrong you did to them, but they also remember your every kindness.” — Sally Painter
“We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way.” — Samuel Beckett
“I think togetherness is an important ingredient of family life.” — Barbara Bush
“One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family.” — Jonathan Safran Foer
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.” — Penelope Lombard
“Some people are your relatives but others are your ancestors, and you choose the ones you want to have as ancestors. You create yourself out of those values.” — Ralph Ellison
“Bleeding ulcers run in my family. We give them to each other.” — Lois McMaster Bujold
“Where to look if you’ve lost your mind?” — Bernard Malamud
“I think I’m funny because my family, my siblings were funny.” — Martin Short
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.” — Robert Brault
“You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.” — Desmond Tutu
“The world, we’d discovered, doesn’t love you like your family loves you.” — Louis Zamperini
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get – my – own – show funny.” — Nick Kroll
“If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion.” — Ashleigh Brilliant
“In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.” — Alex Haley
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.” — Nancy Mitford
“Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say.” — Rick Riordan
“A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.” – Robert A. Heinlein
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.” — Bob Hope
“All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” — Leo Tolstoy
If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Funny Family Captions, Short Family Quotes, Funny Sister Quotes, Funny Friendship Quotes, Mother’s Day Messages, Hilarious Happy Birthday Captions, Funny Father and Son Captions and Short Funny Birthday Wishes.
Hilarious Family Sayings
FAMILY: We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.
Our shared family trait is crazy.
We are more than family. We are like a really small gang.
The LEE family has really been stressing me out! Perhaps know them? Emotional Lee, Mental Lee, Physical Lee and lets not forget, Financial Lee!
You can not choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls!
Family is like that annoying itch you can’t scratch.
This family runs on love, laughter, and several Happy Meals a week.
Our family’s favorite pastime is trying to convince others we are normal.
If you want to call a family meeting, just turn off the Wi—Fi router and wait in the room in which it is located.
You cannot choose your family, but you can send them to voicemail.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close—knit family in another city.
In my family, crazy doesn’t skip a generation.
Family is the heart of a home.
I saw a store that has a sign that reads We treat you like family! Yup, not going in there.
If you think I’m crazy wait till you meet my family.
The bigger your family, the bigger your problems.
Good News: The holidays are about family. Bad News: It has to be your own family.
It only takes two to make a family.
In our family, normal is so overrated.
Pets are like family, except you actually get to choose them.
This family is one clown short of a three—ring circus.
The bigger the family, the greater the crazy.
We’re loud and proud; when we get together there’s a crowd. When it comes to my extended family, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
Family: A little bit of crazy, a little bit of loud and a whole lot of love.
Well, that escalated quickly is our family motto.
Your family’s love is the rock that holds you steady during the storm.
Strangers think I’m great. My friends think I’m eccentric. My family knows that I am completely insane!
Family is a gift that came without a receipt. No takebacks.
I smile because you’re my family…. I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it!
Some call it chaos we call it family.
I could never leave my family, they’d find me.
My family is temperamental. Half temper, half mental.
Family gives you the roots to stand tall and strong.
Caller ID was invented for family screening.
When neighbors see my extended family all get together, they think, Welp, there goes the neighborhood.
Family is like pizza. It’s messy, might give you a stomachache, and you can’t get enough of it.
This family is stuck with glue and DNA.
This family is sassy, not classy.
So glad this family is on my side, because they would make terrifying enemies.
Our family is just one tent away from a full—blown Circus.
So that is it for our list of Hilarious Family Quotes and Sayings. We hope you found the perfect one!
About the Author
Laynni Locke
I am Laynni Locke, a Canadian writer, reader and traveller with a passion for sharing life’s moments on social media. Keeping friends and family in the loop of our lives though photos and videos has become an essential activity for most.
And it doesn’t matter if you are travelling, celebrating a special occasion or just appreciating day-to-day life, when you take that perfect photo you are going to need the perfect caption or quote before you share it. Which is why we started Routinely Shares, providing comprehensive lists of quotes and captions to cover every occasion, adventure or loved one.
With extensive experience as a travel writer, social media specialist and grant writer, I have made it my mission to curate the best and easiest to use lists for your next post.